overwhelmed

if everything happens at once (or almost), the dreadful and the highly expected, this is what's going to happen to your life: lesser sleeping and resting time, higher stress level, higher frequency of substance intakes, severe case of anxiety, and ultimately, the unbalanced tendencies of determination and procrastination.

god help me.

death

today, the day passed me by really slowly, minute by minute, almost unnoticed.

the thought occured to me the second my eyes were open, when i still lay on my bed, without any warning. what if this is my last breath?

to my own surprise, despite the horrid thought, i could calmly answer it, in silence, then death it is. well hello, infinite abyss. still on my bed, same position, several seconds later.

as if it is the most natural thing in the world (yes, it is). as if it is just another random morning thought (yes, it is). the moment lasted long enough that i almost fall back to sleep, if not because of the noise my roommate, tom, was making outside.

i cancelled all my plans for the day and decided to enjoy my what if thought alone. it was raining outside and tom was having a cleaning delirium. i chose to stay inside, selfless cold and composed. read through a book. had a long warm bath. watched a dvd. cooked some good food. took a quick nap. not even the loud music tom and my landlord scott were playing from the living room distracted me too much.

maybe i should write a list of things i want to do before i die. maybe i should pray more. what would it feels like, death? would it be peaceful, painful? is there an afterlife? maybe i should think of the the world that would still goes round, and round, and round, without me.

maybe i should do nothing.

it is 3:47am now. maybe i should stop thinking.

fury

life is fury. fury—sexual, oedipal, political, magical, brutal—drives us to our finest heights and coarsest depths. out of furia comes creation, inspiration, originality, passion, but also violence, pain, pure unafraid destruction, the giving and receiving of blows from which we never recover. the Furies pursue us; Shiva dances his furious dance to create and also to destroy. but never mind about gods! this is what we are, what we civilize ourselves to disguise—the terrifying human animal in us, the exalted, transcendent, self-destructive, untrammeled lord of creation. we raise each other to the heights of joy. we tear each other limb from fucking limb.

ost - my life [part 10]

two hundred songs. one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, TEN parts.

181. the scene when i'm down: stereolab - brakhage

182. the dancing and stomping 3pm at the beach scene: mates of state - ha ha

183. the scene of me and an arabian jazz night: wax poetic - oriental wind

184. the scene when i've got nothing to say: shaun escoffery - breaking away (koop remix)

185. the hot summer day scene: modest mouse - float on

186. the scene when the road is long and the journey is still far from the end: cornelius - drop (kings of convenience remix)

187. the scene when it's not too bad: freak power - rush

188. the fast-paced scene: mint royale - singing in the rain (fuzzy groove mix)

189. the scene when i'm weak and feeling the energy: the flaming lips - one more robot-sympathy 3000-21

190. the scene of me strolling: papas fritas - way you walk

191. the scene when i'm sleeping in: the arcade fire - rebellion (lies)

192. the inner harbour at june scene: soulplanet jazz ensemble - changes

193. the happiness contemplation scene: infracom presents rejazz - quiet night (nicole conte "out of the cool" version)

194. the scene when the night warms up: the rapture - back it up

195. the scene when uncertainty prevails: matthew herbert - suddenly

196. the tapping scene: jazzanova - fedime's flight (kyoto jazz massive remix)

197. the scene when my shoulders are heavy: snow patrol - how to be dead

198. the scene of me on saint germain boulevard: big bang - ping pong

199. the scene when autumn leaves fall to the moving train across the valley: kings of convenience - the build up

200. the scene when i look and wish to be there: folksongs for the afterlife - summer loop

the happy life

i've been thinking a lot lately about what constitutes happiness in life. some people might say happiness means having or getting what matters to them most—to love, to be loved, doing what they feel passionate about, having what they've been dreaming of, constant reminder of people who cares, the list goes on.

but the term happiness itself is as vague as any other terms that involve emotion. you can't really measure it, and you won't know when you would feel happy as opposed to, well, feel sad.

people often complain how their lives don't sustain the happiness they have been yearning for. mine's not an exception (or maybe it's just the fact that i still have a long journey ahead). they would be drawn into the depression cycle, cling back to their pasts, forget the outside world, always in the constant search for the true meaning of their lives. if they lucky, at one point during their pursuit they'd find it. some just simply realize when enough is enough and stop the search altogether. some would never give up, although deep inside they know it's never going to end.

the search, more often than not, involves pain and grief—some things that are opposite of the idea of happiness. before they realize it, the quest has led them far from their initial point, and even farther from what they are looking for. soon they'd forget what was the purpose of the search, and forget what it feels like to be happy.

it's not hard to fake happiness. i do it all the time. have those 100 problems on your back, go outside, meet people and put a smile. act as if you've just won a lottery. people woudn't know the unhappiness you're bearing with. if you fail on your first attempt, and people give you sympathy, acknowledge their 'help.' act as if you feel okay now, then repeat. and the next thing you know you are the happiest person alive, according to them.

but really, it's hard to find happiness when you forget how it feels like. and when you think about it, your surroundings matter the most to your state of happiness: happy, unhappy, numb, indifferent.

a friend of mine asked me once, what my goal is in this life.

"to die happy" was my answer. she then asked again, whether that means no regret when i look back and be able to say, 'i had a good life.'

my answer was simple. yes.

for me, that is ultimate happiness. it might be the hardest thing a man can ever do in his life. i don't deny that, and i'm not saying it's easy. but that is my pursuit. and as long as i have my faith with me, it will always be my pursuit.

the midwest duo

"i like your accents. you guys have accents, do you know that?" Kori spits out her comments about canada and throws a glance with a smile to Jason. Jason puts his wide grin looking straight to her eyes, and takes a few sips from his bottled water before Kori lets her fringe falls covering her right eye and starts the opening melody of the crazy tunes of a song that is ha ha. quoting what has been described by others about the song, what follows is 'three minutes of rollercoaster loops and ups and downs with sharp tempo twists and turns'. Kori plays her organ with the occasional robotic back-and-forth movement, while Jason never ceases to randomly look at her with amusement sparkling on his eyes and playing the drums plus singing on top of his lung at the same time. the audience naturally cannot resist the temptation to dance along with the duo's 'ooh ooh's and 'aah aah's all over the track.

the above scene happened halfway through their performance, which started as a really slow and laid-back night. i arrived half an hour after the door's opened and—i wasn't really surprised—hardly anyone was there. the opening band, kansas city's own the golden republic, was still doing soundcheck and the couple that i sacrificed my free time to be spared to watch was still arranging the band's merchandise near the front door.

"hello, how are you?" i was thrilled, really, when i realized that was Kori Gardner, the first half of mates of state, greeting me as i walked through the front door, to which i could only reply with a lame and boring "i'm good, thanks. how about you?" (but no doubt with a sheepish smile).

"great. excited about the show tonight?" she tentatively asked me. but before i could give her a decent answer, Jason Hammel—the other half of the band—urged for her help and when she did, i could only reply under my breath, "abso-freakin-lutely. can i have your autograph?" but of course, being a coward that i am, that never happened.

when finally the golden republic performed an hour later, there were only about half the audience of the last gig i watched at the same venue. their performance reminded me of the advantage's act, although i enjoy their music a whole lot more than their predecessors. around nine rockin' songs they played, with a hint of interpol and some splashes of modest mouse and david byrne (yes). it's amazing seeing them live and you'd never have guessed they have a pretty diverse music taste (from air and badly drawn boy to franz ferdinand and wilco). another plus point: they've been and continue touring with notably talented musicians; e.g. last year they toured with idlewild and sondre lerche, next month they're touring with graham coxon (damn, am i jealous or what!).

"you have a very nice city. and oh, we're so jealous with your free health care" was their first remark about canada they threw that night. "maybe we'll move here just for the health care. it's f*ckin expensive back home."

but the highlight of the night was, of course, the other midwesterners i'd been dying to see for a while.



mates of state.

and this extremely down-to-earth and talented pair was exactly what i had imagined them to be—fun and savvy couple who sing more to each other rather than to the audience. constant knowing glances in the midst of their organs and drums music; bizarrely beautiful, not-your-every-day radio pop yet force you to dance and sounds strangely familiar.

"where are you from?" a guy randomly asked Kori after they finished their first song of the night. by the time they started playing there were still only around 70 people comprising the audience. i'm not complaining at all, in fact the gig felt more personal to me with such a limited size of audience.

"where are we from?" Kori repeated the question and gave Jason the look. "uhm, i don't even know where we're from, we've moved a lot. do you really wanna hear the whole story of all the places we stayed?" she then continued, "we stayed in san fran and that's the best place we've ever lived," followed by some anonymous cheers from the audience. true, they're famously known as come from san francisco, despite the fact that they formed their band (and relationship) in lawrence, kansas and had now left california's sunshine to reside in new haven, connecticut.

proofs, the second track they played, almost made me jump up and down in excitement, knowing that ha ha would come in a matter of minutes. i couldn't help but smiled my goofy grin looking at Kori shouting to Jason, "it hardly matters, it does not matter," while Jason shouted back to her, "it doesn't matter, what might come through," and they together sing "but let's unravel the edge of time, where proofs and postulations rise." that reminded me of why mates of state stands out than your regular boy/girl duo indie band—they sing on top of each other with different lyrics, shout out as if nobody's there watching them and totally at ease to each other, without hiding their seem-to-be-perfect marriage but minus the cheesy 'i love you' whispers on stage as you might have guessed.



and their music of course. and boy, are they notorious of their unique sounds or what? frolicking vocals and edgy organs sounds harmonized with clinking drums (sometimes even undeniably off-key). with songs like fluke and whiner's bio, you might've mistaken them as kids gone berserk having fun in daddy's recording studio. although the imagery can be backed up as true for some degree, in the real world that's about as far an example as they are. Kori spent her pre-mates of state days as a grade school teacher, while Jason had a day job as a cancer researcher before they decided to give them up and released my solo project, the band's first full album, followed by our constant concern and tours with the strokes and death cab for cutie.

team boo (personal favourite for me) came next with better sound quality after they moved to their new home with their own basement studio. their first EP, all day, was released last november including a cover of bowie's starman and their first time utilizing a guitar. marriage, great recordings and then the baby came along. but that didn't discourage them to do the conquest tour last fall followed by the west coast tour on february (with victoria—and me lucky enough to be there—as the last city of the tour), thanks to the nanny who takes care of little Magnolia (the baby) while they're on stage.

the next 50 minutes was pure raucous indie pop without much bullshit but plenty of fun and good times as infectious as an honest laughter. goods (all in your heads) was amazingly performed, as was the somewhat melancholy hoarding it for home. the crowd cheered for more when they played gotta get a problem.

"your city is beautiful. town? whatever you call it." Kori noted last-minutely. 'maybe we'll move here too when we're old," she commented alluring to their nomad life and, well, victoria. no matter, they had fun, i had fun, everybody seemed to be happy. the gig was closed glamorously with the song these days they made for wicker park's soundtrack. the dim light supported the airy mood as Kori chimmed in keyboard melody from her organs and Jason stood leaving his drumset behind his back. next was only the melody, him and his microphone. and then it strucked me.

these days i seem to think a lot
about the things that i forgot to do
and all the times i had the chance to
...
these days i sit on corner stores
and count the time in quarter tones to ten
please don't confront me with my failures
cause i have not forgotten them

for that, and making my day, i thank them.