death

today, the day passed me by really slowly, minute by minute, almost unnoticed.

the thought occured to me the second my eyes were open, when i still lay on my bed, without any warning. what if this is my last breath?

to my own surprise, despite the horrid thought, i could calmly answer it, in silence, then death it is. well hello, infinite abyss. still on my bed, same position, several seconds later.

as if it is the most natural thing in the world (yes, it is). as if it is just another random morning thought (yes, it is). the moment lasted long enough that i almost fall back to sleep, if not because of the noise my roommate, tom, was making outside.

i cancelled all my plans for the day and decided to enjoy my what if thought alone. it was raining outside and tom was having a cleaning delirium. i chose to stay inside, selfless cold and composed. read through a book. had a long warm bath. watched a dvd. cooked some good food. took a quick nap. not even the loud music tom and my landlord scott were playing from the living room distracted me too much.

maybe i should write a list of things i want to do before i die. maybe i should pray more. what would it feels like, death? would it be peaceful, painful? is there an afterlife? maybe i should think of the the world that would still goes round, and round, and round, without me.

maybe i should do nothing.

it is 3:47am now. maybe i should stop thinking.