ost - my life [part 11]

201. the scene when everything will be alright: bloc party - this modern love

202. the scene when i'm in my lowest low: mirah - don't die in me

203. the scene when i thought i'm listening to new order: the postal service - clark gable

204. the contemplating scene: nuspirit helsinki - maybe

205. the scene when i'm missing the nightlife: dubtribe sound system - do it now

206. the spring scene: joanna newsom - peach, plum, pear

207. the scene when everybody's shaking: phoenix - too young

208. the scene of furious, furios me: franz ferdinand - cheating on you

209. the scene of me in the middle of doing a very hard exam: christian falk - make it right (danny tenaglia mix)

210. the scene when i'm crazily in love: fertile ground - take me higher

211. the scene when i wish i'm in brazil: zuco 103 - q baiano

212. the scene when she's leaving: jeff buckley - last kiss goodbye

213. the scene when the pain is unbearable: broken social scene - lover's spit

214. the scene when everything seems to be just like the old days: bloc party - she's hearing voices

215. the scene when i don't know what can i do, baby: ivy - i've got a feeling

216. the bonfire scene: finley quaye - even after all

217. the scene when the night just starts: jazzanova - no use (beanfield remix)

218. the scene when i'm a fool and i'm happy: ben folds five - she don't use jelly

219. the scene when i'm convincing myself: problem kids - feel alright (crazy snacks mix)

220. the scene when i can't think properly: the futureheads - hounds of love

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*for past parts, check out the links under categorized on the side bar

night time is procrastination time

the library has been my second home the past two weeks. i study there, i sleep there, i check my email there, i even take shower there. okay maybe not. but you know, i use their bathroom frequently.

am seriously thinking to reconsider what i'm going to do this summer. i've registered to six courses currently, am still not sure which two i'm going to drop. well, granted i will pass all my finals this term. co-op job still seems to be my least favorite choice to do—not so much because i don't want to, but rather the jobs offered are lousy. that, or i lack of one or two stupid required skills. bummer. at least i still have my current job to do. if, and only if, i think i have the capacity (mostly time-wise), i might apply for a second job during the day.

i've given up so many other choices for the next four months. i hope i'm doing the right thing. fingers crossed.

tom is moving out soon, at the end of this month. woot!

at times like this, music is my sanctuary. my life can be a big fat mess all around, everyone can conspire against me, and i always turn to my music collection (or go watch a good movie—given the time and money) and soothe my mind. heck, the songs that are played don't even have to agree with the current mood. am really worried right now i'd run out of space in my hard drive for my future music collection expansion. yet another strong reason why i have to buy this baby soon. patience is the key, emil.

can you change so much within a year? i look at myself, and i say yes.

my body needs more rest but my mind doesn't seem to agree. i always end up going to bed awfully late and waking up in the morning either under panic attack or feel as if all my bones are about to crush and collapse. during the day, despite my sincere intention to do something—anything—and be productive, exasperation usually wins. yes, i know.

con. cen. trate. focus. focus and concentrate.

and sleep, for heaven's sake.

i want to cry my ass off...

...because i can't go to coachella nor glastonbury this summer.

big boo for me.
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update: what i'm going to miss out:

coldplay / weezer / the chemical brothers / wilco / keane / snow patrol / rilo kiley / doves / bloc party / spoon / zap mama / jamie cullum / m83 / four tet / the kills / dj marky / the thieves / k-os / nine inch nails / new order / gang of four / the prodigy / the arcade fire / pinback / dj krush / m.i.a. / ben watts / stereophonics / the futureheads / sloan / kasabian / the locust / white stripes / kylie / the killers / elvis costello / brian wilson / van morisson / ash / taj mahal / garbage / fatboy slim / royksopp / interpol / rufus wainwright / the dears / hot hot heat / cake / martha wainwright / go team / the subways / roy ayers / roots manuva / tori amos / ani difranco / timo maas / mylo / dubtribe / zen tv / hybrid / among others

let go

poof.

it's done. had it happened a year ago, i would never forgive myself.

had it happened a few months back, i'd have a nervous breakdown.

had it happened a few weeks ago, i would still fight, no matter how painful it is.

had it happened a few days back, the wound would stay and might never got healed.

now it's done. i've learned that at some point, you need to be able to let go. no hard feelings. no drama. no nothing.

because if i believe in fate, i know that i need not to worry.

the house is getting creepier

i am no fool.

it's not like i've been ignorant the past seven months. it's not like it comes as a real shocker, although surely the whole thing becomes les and less subtle lately—especially since around three months ago.

my appreciation towards him has been next to zero ever since he lives with us, for some obvious and not-so-obvious reasons. redneck attitude, obscene and coarse choices of words, sorry-ass job, pathetic life story and, well, his life in general.

to be honest i feel sorry for him, at the end.

one of our first few, accidental and random conversations had him saying, "my wife was an alcoholic, emil. that's why we got divorced.

"i have a teenage son, probably turning 17 or 18 this year i can't remember. he's coming here to stay with me next year. i hope he'll like it. he never lived with me before, i left him when he was a toddler."

prolly two or three weeks after that conversation happened, he went home tipsy, approached me and asked, "guess what i did just now?"

"what?"

"we went to a strip club! my buddy pete just turned 19 today, so we celebrate it going to monty's!"

just for the record, tom, the guy that we're talking about here, is 42.

"yeah i like to drink wine once in a while. it's alright. i like beer better."

just for the record, he never runs out of corona, ever. our garbage bin is always full of bottles after bottles of beer, we even need a second bin every week or else it won't fit all.

"you know emil, sometimes people just want to take a crap on your face over and over again and they don't wipe their ass or nothin'. no. they just love the smell of the shit."

riiiiight.

sure, he's a nice guy. keeps the house clean. has a pair of talented hands—being a construction worker certainly comes in handy when he does some carpentry around the house: renovating, fixing and the like.

drinking often is one thing. huffing dope together in the garage is also one thing. we can't really complain for that.

being an alcoholic is another.

he really gives me the creeps lately with his demeanor. i thought it was bad enough that he goes to bed early (i'm talking around 8 and 9 pm here), and he's always out of it early in the evening—even afternoon. of course we always just ignore him, thinking it's none of our business.

one day he came home with a blank stare from his eyes, his body shivered hard, opened the door and yelled, "i'm so sexy!"

"you sexy, tom?" scott asked him back from the living room.

"yeah, i'm sexy!"

that's a two-in-one alright, right over there. followed by him cracking almost every muscle joint in his body, went back to his pseudo-bedroom admiring one of those cheap bikini calendar on his wall, me and scott could only exchange the look.

not too mention the one-too-many tackless comments he makes every time scott invites people for supper.

today, he snored loudly from the dining room. there he was, sleeping in a sitting position on the dining chair. the smell of alcohol was so pervasive i thought i had just missed out a kegger happening in the house. i went to the kitchen, trying to make noises as loud as possible so he'd wake up and go to his room. to no avail.

he kept snoring, moving back and forth, completely unconscious. i just stood there watching him. all of a sudden, he leaned forward too heavily, the chair rocked and he fell to the floor, passed out just like that. boom. glasses still intact, head above left hand, sleeping position on the floor, heavy breathe, his ass still sticked to the chair's bottom. i stood just a few inches away from him.

he was still unconscious.

i came back to my room and left him there.

just for the record, this is not the first time it happens.

later on the evening, scott told me, "he's moving out on may or june, so don't worry too much about it.

"i hope you don't feel uncomfortable or whatever when he's around, although it's okay if you do. i know it bothers me sometimes. he's a good guy, but it's hard when you're addicted to booze. i know a lot of my buddies who become addicted to work, and also a whole lot more who become an alcoholic.

"i know what you're thinking, it's just sad that he's like that at his age, but you know what it's like. he already has a place and everything. i just want you to feel safe."

at least i know he's not gonna stay here for too long.