berduka



this might be my last post for the year.

tonight i'm heading to vancouver;and calgary follows tomorrow. the vacation i've been waiting since september.

somehow all of this doesn't feel right. here i am, planning my next five days to have fun and kill time before the next semester starts, while half way around the world over 77,000 people from 12 countries have been confirmed dead. more than 45,000 of them are from my own country. it gives me shivers everytime i think of that number and the certainty of its towering within the next days.

2004 has a special meaning for me personally. not the most wonderful, but very memorable nonetheless. so many little things over the year have gradually given impacts to my life, my way of thinking and my ground belief.

now we all end the year with grief. the biggest in recent history. i don't know how i should feel about that.

the distress is even worse after i heard of what had happened to morningdew's family. i then think of those who are now separated or lost their family members. each one of them. how can they handle the reality? what if it happens to me? how would life be after the tragedy? how can they possibly survive?

it gives me headache just to think of it.

since the day after christmas, all i have been doing is going through all news from all kind of resources back and forth (online, broadcasts, newspapers). check and recheck. confirm and reconfirm. maybe i now should catch my daily life back before i get overwhelmed.

i will remember 2004 dearly. i know i won't forget. any single detail of it.

my sympathy and condolences go to the people of south and southeast asia.

tsunami

update:

for complete information on how to help the victims, please visit http://tsunamihelp.blogspot.com

to help specifically those in aceh and sumatra utara, please visit http://indonesiahelp.blogspot.com
____________________

i was just about to rant two days ago about what has been happening lately, but cancelled the plan for now it would seem very inappropriate.

in a snap my problems became insignificant and i felt like the most ungrateful imp alive.

scott, my landlord, knocked on my door a couple of times before i opened it and thought that someone has been calling. instead he told me about the earthquake and tsunamis and dragged me in front of the tv to look at the news itself.

i didn't know what to react at first;my mind was still in the dreamland and i couldn't comprehend what's going on properly. it took me about five minutes to finally realize how bad the situation really is. eva—scott's girlfriend—and tom—my other roommate—were there too watching the news. somehow that living room scene on that particular morning revived memories of hearing 9/11, bali, marriott and kuningan bombings for the first time. the air was filled with shock and awe.

and pang of sadness.

i quickly jumped back to my room and checked the news from the internet. for the next two hours all i did was bustling back and forth from the living room to my room, checking the latest progress from both the internet and tv. briefly i forgot my plan to hunt sale items for boxing day blowout. what crushed me most was the fact that the number of the death toll is constantly increasing—even until now.

all three of them urged me to immediately call my family and check whether they're okay or not. i looked at my watch and it was past 9am. there's no point of contacting them that time—it'd already be past midnight there anyway. plus, jakarta is quite far and i was pretty sure they're not affected.

i told them that but they still thought calling them is a good idea. i promised i'll contact them in the afternoon, when it'd be morning in jakarta. needless to say, my family was fine although very worried about the casualties.

some friends left messages on msn messenger, asking the same question about my family and suggested their condolences for the tragedy. some called or left a message on the answering machine.

indonesia is mentioned on the news, and everybody enquires on my hometown, my loved ones and my comments.

somehow all these sympathies confirm my aforementioned statement, how i'm an ungrateful imp. most of the time i take things for granted. it's true that i don't know anyone who might be affected with the disaster; i don't have any relatives or friends living in aceh, sri lanka or india for that matter. but i do know, now, that i have one big safe family back home and a lot of very considering friends surround me. i also know, now, that my life is about as miserable a condition as a person who has just won a lottery, compared to the mass which have become victims.

i think i learn more about my life and myself these days. in between the grimness of the tragedy, lessons lurk and seep in.

it creeps me out.

random pre-sunrise thoughts and links

+ just found out that this blog looks different (i.e. weirder) when i view it using firefox or camino. why, i've been using avant all this long and everything looks fine.

+ who knows, a boring family secret can be utterly fun to read!

+ i want you to meet pommy, the curious dog of our family. a total dazzler with his unseemly infinite charm. see all those pup pals he has below the bio? yup, that's how popular he is. everyone keeps messaging me to add him as their pals. my personal favourite: seymour snuffles. ain't they look alike?

+ drooling over the thai won on. hmmm... (i don't care how cold it is outside) prolly it's just me tired of all those gingerbread and eggnog lattes.

+ i wonder what makes canadians so obsessed with tim hortons, gravy, bacon and poutine. which gives me an idea, maybe i should write something about that. later. if i remember.

+ do you know anything about technorati? it's crazy. even creepier than google, imo, because it's focused just for weblogs. plus when you register and have watchlist, you can, and i quote, "track the daily conversations that develop between people on weblogs and the sites, news, products and topics they are talking about." goodbye privacy.

+ heading to nanaimo this xmas and calgary for new year. ho hum.

ost - my life [part 9]

the ninth! that's 180 songs so far. and i still feel the need to post the series more frequently. oh well. (don't forget the past parts: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, and eight).

161. the scene when i don't do much talking: mates of state - these days

162. the scene of me walking downtown nottingham: bent - always in my heart

163. the jamaican love scene: erlend oye - prego amore

164. the scene of me having a perfect house party: blue six - music and wine

165. the scene when we remember the good times of playing super mario bros: the postal service - brand new colony

166. the scene when i talk about it and the less i do control: phoenix - everything is everything

167. the scene when i drive around jakarta: kahimi karie feat. tahiti 80 - (we'll go) separate ways

167. the done-it-all-but-still-can't-comprehend-a-thing scene: pinback - tripoli

168. the scene of me being good: de-phazz - belle de jour

169. the scene when i remember the good old days: lifehouse - everybody is someone

170. the scene when i still believe in paradise: orbital - beached

171. the scene when i'm not there: the flaming lips - ego tripping at the gates of hell

172. the scene where i begin to understand what it's all about: sondre lerche - suffused with love

173. the scene of me going crazy for 2 minutes and 20 seconds: franz ferdinand - tell her tonight

174. the scene when there's a breakdance happening on the street: groove armada - superstylin'

175. the scene when i have that new jersey feeling: the shins - know your onion!

176. the semi-fuelled after-party scene for tomorrow: spooks - sweet revenge

177. the scene when i want a piece of heaven: james taylor quartet feat. neil sedaka - love will keep us together

178. the underneath-the-star scene: wilco - hummingbird

179. the scene when they say, "it's not fair": djavan - eu te devoro

180. the scene of me watching your world from distant: aqualung - strange and beautiful

because i'm tired of it

don't think don't consider don't even have the slightest idea about it.

there is the stream but please don't follow it. you avoid it but you will lose and now you are the insane one. the passage to the other place is severely damaged and the others give you the look so now you are uncool.

to be similar means to be substitutable but you are not. to ask for forgiveness means to admit one's fault not to erase it and it takes a lot of gut to do it and every person deserves rewards.

down, down, down but eventually it goes up, up, up and that is what matters.

explain or choose silence instead but there is only so much that you can take. there is a limit for a limit for a limit and you will be tired of it. you walk in the rain look for the fire and try to escape the noise but can you ever escape?

not in a hundred years and no there is no point of doing what you are thinking so just don't.

don't you see, destiny will manifest in time?

version 2.0

last year around this time, this blog was just being created with an age of no more than two weeks. i got bored, so i decided to change the layout—and customized it a little bit. the result was the layout i have been using for one year. this was the layout's background:



then one day (yesterday to be exact), i opened my notebook, took a last look of my blog's old layout and decided to call it a day.

i intend to keep using the got sound? theme infinitely, likewise the headphone emblem. i found the headphone picture that i put as my header from sing in the snow website and use it on the banner. i figured it would be better than using this one:



one restless day and sleepless night later, i can finally present the 2nd version. it's not perfect, with a few flaws here and there, but who cares? i'm proud of it anyway.

so now, mind me, what i need is a wee bit of rest and an hour or two of sleep. then i can worry about my finals.

life is psychedelic

this time
my heart grows bigger and bigger and almost explodes
but instead it rises and grows wings
and floats and
i see some sparks shattering from inside while
it flies up and high
the sparks so bright i am almost blinded
and it explodes with a big bang
loud and enormous until
it creates its own universe with stars and planets and galaxies
so divine
and leaves the world behind
it goes further and further and everything seems so small
and i feel so small
and insignificant and
my heart is no longer with me
it just floats further until all i can see
is just a tiny white dot
and disappears
above us all

december remember

it's december again.

the time to add eggnog and gingerbread flavours for your latte. the time to hear those same old jingles over and over again everywhere you go. the time to splurge your money and in return get things that you don't really need.

the time when you would reflect back to the past eleven months and take a little note on how your life has been. and you would start to worry about the year after.

the busiest time of the year, the happiest time of the year. the sit-and-joy time of the year, the sappiest time of the year.

it's december again. and i remember.

all i need is a little time
all i need is a peace of this mind
then i can celebrate

to do it all over. and forget, if i can.