on being myself

it's very quiet here. and yet soothing. i've been wandering my mind for almost an hour, sights and smiles appear now and then. the ambience has shun my routines when my insomnia relapse just like now. instead, i've been thinking about me.

myself.

there are quite a lot of different remarks appointed to me. although i might not be agree with all of them, as one would expect, i can relate myself to most of them.

at times, i can be as if i'm the happiest person on earth, particularly when i'm laughing. my friends told me that my laugh sometimes sounds like a dying hyena. it's true. when i laugh, i can't be care less of people surround me. the sound that come out is high-pitched and irritatingly annoying, people just can't decide whether they should stop me or pity me. but it's ok, because every time i laugh, i laugh heartily. it's bombastic, but it also shows that i appreciate whoever makes the joke (or for certain cases, whoever does a silly thing). people usually laugh at my laugh, which i consider as a good thing. i feel good when i can bring laughter to others.

i can be a total bastard too. definitely not something that i can be proud of, but sometimes i just can't help it. people who are close to me know exactly what i mean by this. i do feel like a jerk and blameworthy of course, and believe me, when i act like a bastard, i hate myself more than ever. if i were them, i'd knock myself out and wish me go to hell. but, well, every so often my ego blindfolds my rationality, despite the fact that later on i'd be disgruntled. apologies might not be enough, yet they're good moves to start. and i try to make it up with other things.

i'm also a loner. distinct to several, probably no so to others. i always enjoy the time when i'm by myself, when i can do whatever i want and think whatever i believe and i don't have to worry about others. i'm sure everyone does. i love and enjoy crowds, but only when the vibes click. i'm an introvert who like to tell people about his own life through a blog. sounds strange, but believe me, i love secrets. i have many.

in spite of all, my friends remark me as an easygoing, love-to-hang-out-and-having-fun kinda guy. well, i do love to chill. they also said that i'm a good listener. might be true. when someone goes to me and blabbering their problems or whatever, i try my best to listen without interrupting too much, to give opinion or comments without judging. moreover, they alleged me as nice. very relative, but i do hope it's true. probably it's because i rarely show my anger, and i believe in the ground of to respect.

there are a great deal of other remarks, but i think i'll just stop here. i'm content.