got sound?

more flickr favourites

2006-06-29T16:29:00.000-07:00

my current favourites from flickr

2006-06-20T15:29:00.000-07:00

i'll love you until my veins explode

2006-04-06T18:43:00.000-07:00

november 29, 2005. pretty girls make graves had a gig at lucky bar, the same place with pinback's and mates of state's gigs that i went to. jolly great!, i thought, i came there excited for the show, and left more than satisfied.

i was more impressed with the paper cranes, a local indie slash new wave band which opened the show and, yes, stole the night with glamour indeed. just the other day i stumbled upon this track review from pitchfork media—notably the best music review website today—of their clap-hard-and-dance-wild single, i'll love you until my veins explode, which scores 4 stars, hands down. i was psyched! later i found out that they're releasing a debut EP on april 25, but of course i simply cannot wait that long.

so what did i do? i went to their myspace site, added them to my friends list, which inconspicuously led to this back-and-forth messaging with james watson—the drummer slash percussion guy—who also goes to uvic for school, and agreed to meet with him in front of a coffee shop on campus yesterday.

as you can see from the picture, their EP is now sitting on my desk, even before the official release date. just can't wait until they release their debut album. maybe i can be on their guest list. haha.

things to be missed #74

2006-03-22T22:38:00.000-08:00

i went home today with a million things in my head and an exhausted body ready to get thrown to the bed and not care about anything else. i was just so sick of everything i got to the point when i don't even want to think about what i have to do tonight and tomorrow. after finished loading up my groceries in the kitchen i was going to take a shower, when my roommate, who's moving back to japan in two weeks, caught me walking down the hall, running furiously and threw me a big, fat, hug, so hard and comforting it almost got me crying.

—i wanna hug you forever, she said. —from now on, i will hug you as long as i can, everytime i see you, she confirmed.

and i wouldn't let her release our embrace for the longest time.

a new beginning

2006-03-10T03:22:00.000-08:00

i remember when i applied for the position, still naive and had no idea what i was going to get myself into. i also remember when i was appointed as a proxy for three weeks, even before my official term started—i was thrown into the situation with very little preparation.

around two weeks ago when my term officially started, i was surprisingly calm and ready. i was excited for sure, but not scared nor nervous. my predecessor could only shook his head when i told him i felt pretty confident at the time. yes, there were a lot of things to be done, and not everyone seemed to be on the same page. but i've learned not to worry about getting everything right the first time. —i will grow, i reassured myself. and so i started fresh, putting all the puzzle pieces together, emails, reminders, and meetings everyday, with no time restriction. —i have good people, i told myself. —you don't have to worry too much. i ony had three things in my head: focus, purpose, goals. i did nothing but concentrating on those three.

last tuesday we had the meeting with the board. went really well. sure, things could've been better and i could've done some stuff that i didn't think about at the moment. but overall the presentation was smooth and the feedback was very positive. —it's just a matter of putting them into action, the chair concluded, followed by everyone smiled the victory smile to each other.

post-meeting? i have been slacking. —i deserve a time for myself, i justified it. there has been a lot of overcommiting issues, and i was making sure i'm not gonna be the next victim.

the truth is, i am much less confident now than i was two weeks ago. the truth is, i am beginning to worry about things that are not even happening. —it's normal, my predecessor told me when i complained about my mixed feelings, you are always gonna be in a constant state of worrying, because at the end it is your baby. i did not argue, believing that this is just a phase that i need to go through and it will pass one day. but i look around and i was beginning to see people on the verge of getting burnt out, and the last person that they want to see got burnt out too would be me. yes, it's hard to keep the spirit up but you gotta do what you gotta do. and i dutifully keep the ball rolling, try to enthuse everyone up. come on, this is just the beginning, we have a long street ahead of us.

yesterday two of my great friends—one of them is my predecessor—got the news that they got the job that they wanted. one in brazil, another in singapore. i was beyond excited, but at the same time, couldn't help but thinking, —what am i gonna do next?

this morning

2006-03-09T23:27:00.000-08:00

second week of march and this is what i got when i look outside of my window. hail, rain, snow, and sunshine all in one day.

gotta love it when you can blame everything on global warming. hah.

wishing more days like this

2006-01-31T00:13:00.000-08:00

when everything goes (not) so well

2006-01-30T23:24:00.000-08:00

just the other day, a friend of mine who just found out about my weekly schedule asked me,

—how do you have time for all that?

the truth is, i don't know. i still have to work on my time management, because even though i'm somewhat more organized than the average joe, when it comes to priorities i prefer to use my gut. it's more of a sporadic thought sorting rather than a condusive decision making. you would think that something bad would come out of it.

that's what i thought, too. and right about this moment, everything goes so well. too well, i would say.

and when nothing has gone wrong, you become nervous. you wonder what might be waiting ahead of you.

i had a three-hour long conversation with a really close friend a couple of nights ago, debating about which path we should take when we don't even know our options. at the very end we reassured each other that if it's beyond our control, then we shouldn't worry about it. i told another friend about our conclusion when she remarked,

—and this comes from you! you should've known better before this, mil.

of course she's right. so i'm guilty as charged, because i have been worrying, while i got what i can control under my control. but it's also my fault that the other parts of my life have been pretty much abandoned. i don't know how to take care of myself anymore.

my hearing problem, for example. my jaw complication. my sleeping habit. my diet. oh, my spare time.

gone are the days when i can take such things for granted.

guess i just have to live with it.

bogus

2006-01-19T00:08:00.000-08:00

i hate that i don't have time for myself no more
i hate that my mind's too fucked up
i hate that i'm losing my creativity
i hate that my focus has shifted to something else
i hate that despite all these i wallow with glee

movies i saw in 2005

2006-01-09T23:49:00.000-08:00

to preserve the tradition i started last year of listing movies i've seen in chronological order yearly. inclusive january 1st to december 31st, first time views only.

1. ray
2. napoleon dynamite
3. i heart huckabees
4. the yes men (doc)
5. primer
6. stage beauty (uk, germany, usa)
7. dogville (denmark, sweden, france, norway, netherlands, finland, germany, usa, uk) [dvd]
8. taxi driver [dvd]
9. better luck tomorrow [dvd]
10. wilby wonderful (canada)
11. moonlight mile [dvd]
12. lagaan (india) [dvd]
13. kinsey (usa, germany)
14. closer
15. enduring love (uk)
16. hotel rwanda (canada, uk, italy, south africa)
17. born into brothels (india, usa) (doc)
18. being julia (canada, usa, hungary, uk)
19. finding neverland
20. my life without me (canada) [dvd]
21. edward scissorhands [dvd]
22. p.s. [dvd]
23. man on the train (france, germany, uk, switzerland) [dvd]
24. a very long engangement (france, usa)
25. the merchant of venice (usa, italy, luxembourg, uk)
26. the phantom of the opera (usa, uk)
27. the aviator
28. bad education (spain)
29. the assasination of richard nixon
30. veronica guerin (ireland, usa, uk) [dvd]
31. requiem for a dream [dvd]
32. possession (usa, uk) [dvd]
33. monsoon wedding [dvd]
34. russian ark (russia, germany) [dvd]
35. the return (russia)
36. waking life [dvd]
37. the interpreter
38. the sea inside (spain)
39. million dollar baby
40. alfie (uk, usa) [dvd]
41. ned kelly (australia, uk, france) [dvd]
42. confessions of a dangerous mind (usa, canada, germany) [dvd]
43. jackie brown [dvd]
44. in the cut (usa, uk, australia) [dvd]
45. kingdom of heaven (usa, spain, uk)
46. gosford park (uk, usa, germany, italy) [dvd]
47. ong-bak (thailand)
48. JFK (usa, france) [dvd]
49. rory o'shea was here (uk)
50. inside deep throat (doc)
51. the future of food (usa, canada) (doc)
52. bride and prejudice (uk, usa)
53. the world (china, japan, france)
54. wicker park [dvd]
55. the shawshank redemption [dvd]
56. osama (afghanistan, netherlands, japan, ireland, iran) [dvd]
57. tarnation (part doc)
58. the magdalene sisters (ireland, uk) [dvd]
59. natural born killers [dvd]
60. thelma & louise [dvd]
61. trapped (usa, germany) [dvd]
62. the usual suspects (usa, germany) [dvd]
63. in my country (country of my skull) (uk, ireland, south africa)
64. de-lovely (usa, uk) [dvd]
65. in this world (uk) [dvd]
66. war of the worlds
67. star wars episode iii: revenge of the sith
68. melinda and melinda
69. birth [dvd]
70. in good company [dvd]
71. dear frankie (uk)
72. turtles can fly (iran, france, iraq)
73. the stepford wives [dvd]
74. control room (doc) [dvd]
75. 24 hour party people (uk, france, netherlands) [dvd]
76. the ballad of jack and rose
77. walk on water (israel, sweden)
78. cinema paradiso (italy)
79. look at me (france, italy)
80. crash (usa, germany)
81. mean girls [dvd]
82. the notebook [dvd]
83. downfall (germany, italy, austria)
84. to die for [dvd]
85. the village [dvd]
86. oldboy (south korea)
87. spring, summer, fall, winter... and spring (south korea, germany) [dvd]
88. the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy (usa, uk)
89. ten (iran, france, usa) [dvd]
90. sabah (canada)
91. quill (japan)
92. charlie and the chocolate factory (usa, uk)
93. saving face
94. virgin (indonesia) [dvd]
95. 30 hari mencari cinta (indonesia) [dvd]
96. enron: the smartest guy in the room (doc)
97. brownies (indonesia) [dvd]
98. mysterious skin (usa, netherlands)
99. biola tak berdawai (indonesia) [dvd]
100. exiles (france, japan)
101. eiffel... i'm in love (indonesia) [dvd]
102. the constant gardener (usa, uk)
103. scarface [dvd]
104. my summer of love (uk)
105. me and you and everyone we know
106. last days
107. broken wings (israel)
108. wedding crashers [dvd]
109. saw 2
110. howl's moving castle (japan)
111. scared sacred (canada) (doc)
112. seoul train (doc)
113. harry potter and the goblet of fire (usa, uk)
114. three seasons (usa, vietnam) [dvd]
115. dazed and confused [dvd]
116. igby goes down [dvd]
117. everything is illuminated
118. touching the void (uk) [dvd]
119. the house of fools (russia, france) [dvd]
120. all about my mother (spain, france) [dvd]
121. rosentrasse (germany, netherlands) [dvd]
122. the way home (south korea) [dvd]
123. ice age [dvd]
124. hope springs (uk, usa) [dvd]
125. seducing doctor lewis (canada) [dvd]
126. march of the penguins (france) [dvd]
127. liam (uk, germany, france) [dvd]
128. lolita [dvd]
129. carandiru (brazil) [dvd]

index:
orange = highly recommended!
gray = it proves that there's no justice in the world
blue = country of production (if left blank means usa)
doc = documentary
dvd = pretty self-explanatory

the way-too-delayed compulsory year-in review

2006-01-08T02:37:00.000-08:00

in 2005, i...

didn't go home (i.e. indonesia) at all

missed both of my sisters' weddings

became an uncle of two little angels

got elected as the local chapter president of an organization that i more than love

watched more movies than ever before (more of this to come)

didn't go to as many gigs as i wanted (the notable two were pretty girls make graves and the paper cranes)

both started and ended the year in the prairies

missed a lot of good friends

found a lot of great friends

understood myself for the first time

found a whole new genre of music which i relish

got two part time jobs

lost love

got inspired and inspired others

had the lowest gpa so far

pretty much gave up the idea of updating this blog at least once a week

moved to a new house with three incredible friends

got brainwashed

bought myself an iPod and a new digital camera. gadget freak, i know.

got even more fascinated by photography, art, and all that tart

couldn't wait for 2006 to come

what a year! let's just see what 2006 has to offer. 'til then,

downfall

2005-12-15T05:04:00.000-08:00

funny how it all comes down to this.

i knew it will happen. the inevitable. the thought of just letting it happen did slip into my mind. it's not like what i'd do would change the end result.

fuckin coward, you piece of shit. not even a fight? cummon, show that at least you still have a dignity, that you at least try to strategize a counter-attack.

so i tried. to no avail, but yes i tried.

i'm a people gazer. this past week, i still gaze at random people, but i focus more on people that, when i look at them, this thought comes in my mind.

i wish i would never end up being like them.

harsh? maybe. but i can't help it. starts from that, and it invariably turns to more thoughts.

how would it feels like, if i am them? maybe the end result of what would happen is going to be very different. maybe things will turn out to be easier. maybe it is better to have a life like theirs.

i would watch them from the corner of my eyes, framing every single detail that i could possibly notice. their tanned necks. the coffee stains. their stubble. the way they walk. the way they brush their hair. the way they wear their crooked glasses, ripped jeans, and baggy shirts. the way they notice someone is watching them closely.

more thoughts in my mind.

where did they grow up? what were their parents? did they have a happy childhood? were they famous during highschool? were they feel alienated? if they look at me, what kind of thoughts would come to their mind?

i thought again,

what would they do if they are put into my situation?

and i continue doing what i have been doing. trying my best to concentrate. one, two.

flashes of random, almost forgotten memories flickered through my head.

i was a sixth grader, and it was the very last day of my elementary school years. everyone in the class was flocked together on the main hall's stage and given a small envelope which contains a piece of paper declaring whether we pass or we fail. from the stage i could see my mother looking intently at me amidst the crowd of anxious parents. my heart was beating very hard. i thought to myself, this is it. the moment of humiliation has arrived. suddenly the school's principal announced that we can open the envelopes we're holding as of that second. everyone abruptly tore their envelopes and let out screams of joy. some were hugging their neighbouring friends. some ran directly to their parents. i was taking my time, opening the envelope slowly. a friend of mine asked me what was my result. i shrugged with apprehension before i flipped my paper and read the result.

another one.

i didn't want to open the door of my room. my parents just came home from getting my school report. this was probably when i was in the tenth grade. i thought i bombed my math class, and i didn't want to hear my parents' lecture about it. I didn't want to hear that the next term i have to take an extra math tutorial after school. i waited for a knock on the door for a long time.

and another one.

i was on a small boat, on the way to gili air island from lombok, sitting facing my dad. we were on a holiday celebrating my graduation from high school. the boat's machine was roaring a deafening noise, the boat was bumping everytime we hit a wave, and the sea water splashed all over the place making the trip less than peaceful—but otherwise the vastly blue-green sea, blue sky and blazing sunshine made the circumstances beautifully perfect. i smiled to my dad. he smiled back. i had way too many thoughts in my mind to enjoy the view. my dad had just given me the talk. his experiences and legacy, his wishes and hopes for me. it wasn't demanding, or prepared in any kind of way that would ruin the holiday mood we're in. he was so calm. he had his way of starting this conversation—or one way monologue, rather—lucidly, as if it's just another chat we have. i didn't scowl, but he certainly put the pressure on me. i continued to gaze at the tiny dot we're heading.

and another one.

the cab finally arrived. their luggage was ready. "so, this is it," remarked my mother. i hugged her. she whispered something to my ear. i turned to my dad and hugged him. he, too, whispered something. i nodded before i let them go. "take care, buddy," the cab driver said, before he shut his door and drove away from the culdesac.

i couldn't concentrate, but i have to. three, four.

i kept thinking to myself,

—there's a reason for everything. this is not the end of the world.
—yeah, sure, but it's close enough.
—not that close that you wouldn't be able to rise again. think about the lessons you've learned from all this. think about how you will surprise yourself later on.
—that's a tall order.
—you have the power.

five, six. you do have the power, mil. you just need to believe in yourself.

before they melted

2005-12-05T23:37:00.000-08:00

LCPe

2005-11-09T12:14:00.000-08:00

...and the baton has been passed to me. it's just a matter of how i will handle it. uh oh.

counting to death

2005-11-06T16:29:00.000-08:00

a.k.a. a sad attempt to keep this blog alive.

hmmm... maybe this is why i don't drink coke or go to starbucks anymore...

After 243.40 cans of Coca-Cola Classic, you'd be pushing up daisies

118.22 cups of Starbucks Grande Caffe Latte + You = Death

It would take 1,034.45 Hershey's with Almonds bars to put you down

as taken from this site.

shimmer

2005-11-03T02:23:00.000-08:00

minal aidin wal faidzin

because sometimes you simply need to

come back to your root

gone

2005-10-17T14:59:00.000-07:00

gone are the days when i can update my blog at least once a week, when i can go blogwalking every night and leave comments everywhere, when i can download albums after albums all night long, when i can cherish the wonder of my notebook and internet technology in general.

hello randomness.

iPodified

2005-09-29T23:49:00.000-07:00

when my friend showed me his brand-spanking-ass-new iPod Nano today (which made me want to find a knife and slice his neck off so i can runaway with his new toy... okay maybe not), i remember me being all excited and perky whe i first got my 60GB iPod Photo 4 months ago. i remember the following weeks when my dietary meals consisted of either instant noodles, kraft diner, or under-four-bucks frozen food to compensate the hole on my wallet. sad, i know.

anyway i came across this website sometime last summer and got inspired to ipodify one of my pictures, hence the image above*. what amazed me even more was the oh-so-hilarious iBaby t-shirt i found today. soon enough the world is ruled by apple®, lemme tell ya.

* i hope i... will be blessed.

solitude

2005-09-22T09:10:00.000-07:00

the end of summer

2005-09-13T02:29:00.000-07:00

the martlet published its first issue of the term with an oh-so-depressing front cover. it features an illustration that shows (get this) a bunny and two people—presumably uvic students—standing on a vast orange landscape (which may or may not signifies sand dunes), gazing sombrely at a blazing yellow sunset that illuminates a bright pink sky. and then, at the bottom of the cover, across the page, is the headline: the end of summer.

yes summer has gone, and september has begun to show is its true skin with the cool morning air, juicy daylight sunshine, and chilly evening breeze. less and less people wear skirt, shorts, or sandals to school. two third of 2005 has passed by just like that. a flick of the fingers. and before i know it, i find myself battered, broke, and homeless. at least until the end of this month.

but i'm not going to rant about how tiring, time-consuming, and stressful it is to find a new place to live. or how sometimes i feel very disconnected with the virtual world and once in a while i look at my blog with disdain (hence the lack of entries). or how this summer wasn't as great as i had expected it to be. or how i have a lot of i wish scenarios in my head that are simply beyond any chance to remotely match the reality.

okay maybe i just did. but that's not the point. i'm just saying that, for better or worse, i'm facing the future, i.e. any time after this very moment, with a positive attitude (and not to mention a flinch instead of a grin). i'm scared, but at least i'm content right now.

languages i (sorta) know

2005-08-30T10:22:00.000-07:00

Indonesian...

Bahasa Indonesia is essentially a constructed language designed to fool foreigners into thinking Indonesia is a monoculture.
--John Cowan

Malay is essentially Indonesian as spoken by Englishmen.
--Amber Adams

Conversely, Indonesian is essentially Malay as spoken by Dutchmen.
--Amber Adams

Indonesian and Tagalog are essentially flowing water -- Indonesian a swiftly flowing brook and Tagalog water going over rapids.
--Adam Walker

English...

English is essentially the devil's attempt to reverse the curse of Babel by making a world language from the most difficult language in the world.
--qaya

English is essentially bad Dutch with outrageously pronounced French and Latin vocabulary.
--Eugene Holman

English is essentially all exceptions and no rules.
--Jonathan Bettencourt

Inglish iz issenshali a langwidje dhat, wen rittun fonetkli, iz ilejibul tu netiv spikerz.
--Peter Bleackley

English is essentially the language of people who think that everybody else speaks their language. French is essentially the language of people who think that everybody else should speak theirs.
--Peter Bleackley

American English is essentially a tool to keep a person from ever being able to speak another language.
--jmallett

Broken English is the language of international trade.
--John Naisbitt (via Daniel E. Huston)

American English is essentially British English without the funny accent. [Or is that Canadian English?]
--Aleks Dubh

(basic) Spanish...

Spanish is essentially Italian spoken by Arabs.
--Benct Philip Jonsson

Spanish is essentially a dialect of Californian English used for increasing the value of real estate. (Gee, wouldn't this faux Spanish strip mall be worth $200,000 more if it was called Plaza del Mucho Dinero?)
--Jeffrey Henning

(a little bit of) French...

Canadian French is essentially bad English as spoken by a Belgian with an inferiority complex.
--Ivan C. Amaya

French is essentially the linguistic equivalent of a really bad tailgating accident in which all the final consonants either are lost or stuck on the windshield of the next car.
--Hanbing Feng

and (barely), Dutch.

Dutch is essentially what you know to be English, only heard through lots of loud background noise.
--Dan Seriff

Dutch is essentially German as spoken by the members of a conspiracy who pretend not to speak German.
--John Cowan

as taken from here.

shooting stars

2005-08-12T01:35:00.000-07:00

they flicker above the earth, quick glimpses of lights, subtle and benign across the sky, zap, zap, zap. one after another. for a moment the night is slightly brighter than usual. zap. after about five seconds they stop. i wait, watching. the stars are all still, tiny little sparks gleam silently in contrast to the vast darkness behind them. i take a deep breath and a sip of my tea. the stars twinkle and i keep waiting. zap, another one. make a wish! make a wish! it's too late now, the flit was rapid and now it's gone again. i begin to hallucinate. i keep staring at one radiant star and suddenly a blast of even tinier sparks illuminates the darkness as far as my eyes can see. i begin to think that i can see that star is moving very slowly, sparkle, sparkle. zap. make another wish! i wish, i wish i can, shoot, i wish i can be happy, no that's not original, i wish i, there's too many i wishes pop in my head. pick one! zap. i'll wait for another one. i stare at the stars again and before i know it i begin to see things. i see imaginary lines connecting the stars, outlining rough shapes of a kite, an arrow, a crab. faux cancer and scorpio constellations that dissapear even before i quite grasp it. i think about zodiac signs, my past, present, my future. destiny, purpose of life. zap. that one was almost magical, almost surreal. zap, another one not too far. i begin to realize how cold the night is and try to go back to reality. but the next second i'm already absorbed with the stars' dazzles, again, watching one shimmers after one dims, again and again, in far less than split-second speed. sparkle, sparkle. i finish the last sip from my mug. zap. i wish i don't have to wish anything. zap. it's getting cold, mil, let's go inside.

tentang berbahasa indonesia

2005-08-10T01:20:00.000-07:00

ini mungkin, bila saya tidak salah, pertama kalinya saya menulis dengan bahasa indonesia setelah kurang lebih dua tahun. dengan "menulis" tentu yang saya maksud adalah menulis dengan intensi di luar komunikasi personal (maka saya tidak menghitung ratusan email yang telah saya kirim) dan dengan kata-kata yang saya pilih sendiri (maka saya tidak menghitung beberapa artikel yang telah saya terjemahkan). saya ingat dalam salah satu entri yang saya tulis tahun lalu, saya berusaha menjelaskan pilihan saya untuk menggunakan bahasa inggris dalam blog ini, yaitu untuk melatih kemampuan menulis saya dalam berbahasa inggris. ini terutama penting karena saya—sekarang saya sangat sadar dan menerima, walaupun awalnya dengan berat hati—bukanlah orang yang paling terlatih dalam berbahasa. saya tidak pernah mendapatkan nilai yang bagus dalam pelajaran bahasa indonesia, saya butuh waktu yang sangat lama untuk menguasai dan fasih dalam berbahasa inggris (bahkan sekarang pun seringkali grammar saya masih ngaco dan jauh dari sempurna), dan saya mengalami kesulitan yang luar biasa ketika saya memutuskan untuk belajar basic spanish dan french.

lalu mengapa sekarang saya memutuskan untuk mencoba berbahasa indonesia? well, mengapa tidak? saya kira sudah saatnya saya latihan untuk menulis dalam bahasa ibu saya ini. jadi tolong harap maklum kalau gaya menulis saya mungkin terlalu kaku, baku, tidak natural, atau malah sebaliknya. saya janji akan coba untuk lebih rileks pada entri berbahasa indonesia saya yang selanjutnya.

satu hal, diantara sekian, yang mendorong saya untuk mulai melatih lagi kemampuan bahasa indonesia saya adalah hobi saya untuk menonton film. dan belakangan ini saya banyak sekali menonton film-film non-hollywood serta film-film berbahasa asing, yang kemudian membuat saya ingin untuk belajar bahasa ketiga di luar bahasa inggris dan bahasa ibu. tetapi saya putuskan bahwa saya harus memperbaiki dengan baik dua bahasa yang saya telah kuasai terlebih dahulu sebelum belajar bahasa yang lain. jadi anggap saja bahwa tulisan ini adalah langkah awal bagi saya untuk mengapresiasi lebih baik bahasa yang sempat saya gunakan setiap hari pada 17 tahun pertama hidup saya.

entri-entri setelah ini tentu masih akan menggunakan bahasa inggris, lebih karena saya merasa nyaman menggunakannya daripada karena saya enggan berbahasa indonesia, tetapi mungkin saya akan menyelipkan satu dua entri dengan bahasa indonesia ketika saya ingin.

lucu. setelah saya baca ulang entri ini, saya pikir saya berusaha terlalu keras untuk menjustifikasi pilihan bahasa yang saya gunakan. padahal, really, who cares?

boing.

2005-07-31T20:41:00.000-07:00

having been living in the same place for almost two years, i've grown very fond with the house, more than ever now. even though people have suggested me to move closer either to the campus or downtown since god knows when, i stick with this place for just about every reason that i can think of. right now, for once, scott—my landlord—is out of town for a week, so i'm having the house by myself. also the killer new fridge and stove he bought a couple of weeks ago to replace the old, almost non-functioning ones. and of course, there's the garden frog.

"i bought myself a garden frog."

"you bought a what?"

"a garden frog. look!" he gestured his hand to a frog effigy about thrice the size of a fist, sitting on the dining table. it's dark green with dots all over its plump, fat, round body with a wide smirking mouth and eyes that popped out made of two round crystal marbles. it's hideously cute.

"oh."

"this is such a waste of money," he laughed and picked the frog up to examine it closer. "my boss has given me a hard time lately. you can't please everybody at one time, you know? it's just really annoying..." he trailed his words as if thinking about something before he quickly added, "so today i decided to buy this after work." he laughed again playing with the frog on his hand. "stress would make you do all sort of weird stuff, lemme tell ya," he grinned.

right.

one thing that i now loathe myself for is how i've been doing, thinking, and talking a lot of nonsense lately. it's in the air, the water, basically everywhere, and i would find nonsense. (un)fortunately though, i find peace in nonsense: when i just sit on my patio doing nothing but staring at the backyard, when i lie down on my bamboo mat on top of mount douglas for seven hours gazing at the sky and the sea, when i watch movies back to back the whole night and choose to forego my sleeping time, when i sleep throughout the whole morning and choose to have a backache later on, yada yada yada. i always silently whisper to myself, "life is good." at the same time, i often cross my fingers when i say it, and refuse to think about #11 on my things that i realize more and more every single day list.

on a lighter note, i am now a regular viewer of boingboing, which generously provides us with numerous wondeful things daily. some of the things that i've learned within the past month: what would my site looks like if it got googled, how to kill yourself using only an elevator and a trash can, what would irvine welsh, dave eggers, or chuck palahniuk write for dumbledore's death scene, and what skeletons do during their spare time. hilarious, eh?

naive

2005-07-26T01:53:00.000-07:00

i'm very oblivious a lot of times, don't you think?

things that i realize more and more every single day

2005-07-08T00:21:00.000-07:00

people are selfish
people are very selfish.
i am very, overly, unduly selfish, that sometimes i'm plain sick of myself for not being able to do much about it.
most of the time, we have to agree to disagree (perhaps the hardest to accept).
it's not the easiest thing in the world to defend your beliefs. i've been having hard times justifying the rationales behind me not eating swine meat to my friends—you can imagine how it's even harder trying to justify the entire concept of a religion, especially when it's been harhly and extensively associated with such negative perceptions.
hell, i don't even know whether i should really believe what i believe. i've spent most of my life in a biased world, afterall.
as much as i hate to acknowledge this, i am nothing but a spoiled brat. spoiled spoiled spoiled. never before have i felt so much shame admitting this fact.
i also don't know if it's still the right thing to be an idealist.
it's difficult to argue over abstract values of life when your knowledge upon them isn't enough to even convince yourself.
even more difficult when you know your own bias.
my future is bleak.

today i'm in grief for no particular reason. forgive me.

london, attacked

2005-07-07T12:55:00.000-07:00

sometimes you just can't help but think that "this is too much!" or " when would this end?"

you get sick of the so-called 'terrorist attacks' keep happening as if it's just part of our everyday world.

sad, really. "oh, another bomb blast. too bad." and then life goes on. let's worry about our own personal problems.

this article is a pretty extensive cover of today's london bombings from wikinews.

i have the urge to quote the article on religious leaders' reactions about the bombings. perhaps partly it's a self-defense of my belief:

Pope Benedict XVI has called the attacks "inhuman."

The Australian Muslim Civil Rights Advocacy Network have issued a public statement condemning the attacks, offering their condolences to the British people, and pledging their support in bringing the terrorists to justice.

The Muslim Council of Britain utterly condemns today's indiscriminate acts of terror in London.

The Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Williams, has spoken of his horror and grief following the explosions in London this morning.

Leading Lebanese Shi'ite Muslim scholar Mohammad Hussein Fadlallah stated, "These crimes are not accepted by any religion. It is a barbarism wholly rejected by Islam."

The Council on American-Islamic Relations condemned the attacks, stating "We join Americans of all faiths, and all people of conscience worldwide, in condemning these barbaric crimes that can never be justified or excused. American Muslims offer their sincere condolences to the loved ones of those who were killed or injured in today's attacks and call for the swift apprehension and punishment of the perpetrators."

partly it's a reminder for myself. for links of photos you can look at this entry.

my deepest condolences to all the victims of the attacks. as Bertrand Delanoe—mayor of Paris—has said, "today, we're all Londoners."

musical baton

2005-07-02T13:12:00.000-07:00

:: this entry is from may 20th (i posted it elsewhere), and a girl named w urged me to post it here too. so here it goes:

since nobody has passed me (and i'm too eager to post one), i might as well start a new musical baton myself.

tagged by:
myself

total volume of music files on my computer:
12.3 GB - 2,293 songs
(and expanding. just wait til i buy that 40GB iPod and fill it in no time)

the last CD I bought was:
Saint-Germain des-Pres Cafe, vol. 3 & vol. 4
(this was around 4 months ago, using the a&b sound gift certificate patty gave me for christmas. thing is, as a starving student i don't have that much disposable allowance from my pocket)

song playing right now:
Sondre Lerche - Modern Nature

five songs I listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me:
The Flaming Lips - One More Robot Sympathy 3000-21
Death Cab for Cutie - Title and Registration
Mirah - Don't Die in Me
The Shins - New Slang
Bjork - Oceania
(i translate this as five songs i listen to a lot lately)

five people to whom I’m passing the baton:
1. wulan
2. affi
3. sindy
4. irene
5. richoz

:: note that as of now the answers would be significantly different

vancouver the great

2005-06-29T02:32:00.000-07:00

...

last weekend i went to vancouver

and had a blast

and now i

become afraid of my

own dreams

top 5 most hilarious search words for this blog

2005-06-27T23:52:00.000-07:00

...at least so far:

5. kopi dangdut lyrics
4. narrow-minded lawyer
3. white butt and indecent exposure
2. body pieces naked
1. hairy asians

(and yes, i do aware that by putting this up there will be more hits coming in with these words)

an afternoon getaway

2005-06-23T16:17:00.000-07:00

i couldn't get enough of salt spring island after the first time i visit the hippie paradise. it's only natural that when a friend noted that he might want to go there for the weekend, i jumped at the chance right away. After having a BBQ party—which was a blast—at my place on saturday, we managed to convinced another friend to go with us the day after. and that's exactly what we did.

the plan was seamlessly rigorous, of course, but a plan is a plan and the reality was about as far as what we'd hoped for. instead of taking the ferry that left victoria at 11 am, for example, we took the 3 pm one. yes, you did the math right. good thing the weather turned out to be super nice, with lots of sunshine and mild wind—just about perfect. the ferry ride was as enjoyable as any other good day: breathtaking view that pleasures the eyes and soothes the mind, half an hour well worth spent.

well, sorta. the trip was driven purely by impulse, naturally, but without a thorough preparation, also naturally. as soon as we step on the island, the plan was to hitchhike to ganges village, the island's unofficial downtown (if you can call it so). so we pulled our right thumbs out standing at the side of the street, relying completely on luck, hoping to get a free ride. but luck would only get you so far, so we shouldn't that surprised, really, when our thumbs were still wiggling out by the time the last vehicle drove away from the ferry. the ripoff shuttle bus was our last resort then, knowing we didn't have that much of choices in the first place anyway.

ganges was still as fun as i remembered, only better this time with more visitors and awesome weather. the centennial park still stinked with weed, the hippies were still everywhere, but now more galleries and stores were actually open. after sightseeing for a bit, we immediately tried to find a restaurant for late lunch and decided to sit outside enjoying the sunshine. sure, the view was great, but by the time we finished our meals and paid the bills, the clock was ticking to number five. and that means we only had about 3 and a half hours before we should catch the last ferry ride back home. there goes our plan for hiking.

the next best thing was to go to the beach and do nothing. the best beaches, very unfortunately for us, are located on the other sides of the island. there are two beaches near ganges, walkable distances, only that one of them takes half an hour walk one way. we thought we don't want to waste an hour just walking with such a limited time that we have left, so we decided to go to the other smaller beach. it turned out to be a joke at the end, because the beach could barely be called a beach and my room is probably bigger than it. no kidding.

but finding out about that beach was actually a good thing because it forced us to go to the other beach. prettier, longer, better. the best part: it's pretty much hidden and there were lots of big rocks to lie ourselves on top. the water, although was full of seaweeds, looked quite clear and made us feel like jump into it right away. few reasons why we were hesitant to do it: a) although the sun was so hot, the sea water was of course still ice cold! b) we didn't bring any swimming gear, let alone second underwears.

despite those two reasons, everything was just perfect, p-e-r-f-e-c-t, so awesome that we didn't care anymore and jumped right into the water with our boxers. at least two out of three of us anyway. and whoa, the water was freezing alright! we gave up swimming pretty much after 5 minutes, but i should say that was my best 5 minute worth of time i've spent since a pretty long time. i lay on one of the big flat rocks drying myself and exposed to the evening sun for a good 40 minutes or so; had the best nap i've taken also since a long time.

at the end of the day, when we had to rush back to ganges and catched a cab just right in time for the ferry, waited for the bus that goes downtown victoria and on it for over an hour and catched another bus to go back home, all the hassle that we had didn't seem to matter anymore. it was a perfect afternoon getaway for me, even if the point of the whole trip was just to get that 45 minutes that we spent on the beach.

and that only means one thing: i should go to the island again sometime this summer, at least once more. definitely.

so,

2005-06-17T11:57:00.000-07:00

i've decided to come back writing, whining, and putting some nonsense for everyone to read and/or see on this overly narcistic, self-indulgent piece of blog (hey, afterall that's what a blog is all about, right?). some of you might prefer to call it a template for self expression. i don't see the difference.

after some pretty hectic period of time i've finally relaxed a bit. been trying to catch up with my life, which goes a hell lot faster than what i've prepared. school is going okay, work is boring as usual. not going back home this summer, as much as i wanted to, is both great and painstaking. i of course let myself believe that i, for better or worse, am more inclined to the former. and no one shalt argue with me.

i talked to a good friend a couple of days ago whom i've known for over one and a half year. out of the blue she said to me, "you know what, emil? the first times i met you, my first impression wasn't really that good."

"what did you think?"

"i thought you were snobby." she laughed a little when she saw my horrified face, and added, "you're friendly when you're in class but you didn't even say hi to me at the bus stop! you just pretended that you didn't see me."

whoa! i've sure been known for few not-so-pleasant adjectives, but snobby?

"did i really make that impression? maybe i didn't see you, period. or maybe i was just too shy, or didn't feel comfortable talking to random people i'd just met."

"yeah emil, sure you did," she replied and smirked. grrreat.

on a side note, some spirit-boosting matters have done my life pretty good, compensating the shitty weather (whatever happened to the summer?) and the absence of great friends in town (everyone's left—there's something in victoria's water?). other than that nothing really bothers me, except that i miss indonesian food awfully bad. pempek, siomay, otak-otak, tempe. hmmm... tempe. hmmm... tempe bacem.

or maybe it's just me acting all sentimental, again.

nadine alisha bachtiar

2005-06-14T00:16:00.000-07:00

i'm back from my hiatus, proudly, as an uncle of the cutest little angel in the world. born 13:33 - 12/06/05.

how can i resist her charm? :)

i'm on...

2005-05-13T01:11:00.000-07:00

HIATUS

(for one too many reasons, indefinitely)

mourn

2005-05-01T04:24:00.000-07:00

and then benjamin gibbard sings,

there's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
and now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all
and here i rest where disappointment and regret collide
lying awake at night

i tremble.

ost - my life [part 11]

2005-04-24T13:13:00.000-07:00

201. the scene when everything will be alright: bloc party - this modern love

202. the scene when i'm in my lowest low: mirah - don't die in me

203. the scene when i thought i'm listening to new order: the postal service - clark gable

204. the contemplating scene: nuspirit helsinki - maybe

205. the scene when i'm missing the nightlife: dubtribe sound system - do it now

206. the spring scene: joanna newsom - peach, plum, pear

207. the scene when everybody's shaking: phoenix - too young

208. the scene of furious, furios me: franz ferdinand - cheating on you

209. the scene of me in the middle of doing a very hard exam: christian falk - make it right (danny tenaglia mix)

210. the scene when i'm crazily in love: fertile ground - take me higher

211. the scene when i wish i'm in brazil: zuco 103 - q baiano

212. the scene when she's leaving: jeff buckley - last kiss goodbye

213. the scene when the pain is unbearable: broken social scene - lover's spit

214. the scene when everything seems to be just like the old days: bloc party - she's hearing voices

215. the scene when i don't know what can i do, baby: ivy - i've got a feeling

216. the bonfire scene: finley quaye - even after all

217. the scene when the night just starts: jazzanova - no use (beanfield remix)

218. the scene when i'm a fool and i'm happy: ben folds five - she don't use jelly

219. the scene when i'm convincing myself: problem kids - feel alright (crazy snacks mix)

220. the scene when i can't think properly: the futureheads - hounds of love

_______________
*for past parts, check out the links under categorized on the side bar

night time is procrastination time

2005-04-18T02:17:00.000-07:00

the library has been my second home the past two weeks. i study there, i sleep there, i check my email there, i even take shower there. okay maybe not. but you know, i use their bathroom frequently.

am seriously thinking to reconsider what i'm going to do this summer. i've registered to six courses currently, am still not sure which two i'm going to drop. well, granted i will pass all my finals this term. co-op job still seems to be my least favorite choice to do—not so much because i don't want to, but rather the jobs offered are lousy. that, or i lack of one or two stupid required skills. bummer. at least i still have my current job to do. if, and only if, i think i have the capacity (mostly time-wise), i might apply for a second job during the day.

i've given up so many other choices for the next four months. i hope i'm doing the right thing. fingers crossed.

tom is moving out soon, at the end of this month. woot!

at times like this, music is my sanctuary. my life can be a big fat mess all around, everyone can conspire against me, and i always turn to my music collection (or go watch a good movie—given the time and money) and soothe my mind. heck, the songs that are played don't even have to agree with the current mood. am really worried right now i'd run out of space in my hard drive for my future music collection expansion. yet another strong reason why i have to buy this baby soon. patience is the key, emil.

can you change so much within a year? i look at myself, and i say yes.

my body needs more rest but my mind doesn't seem to agree. i always end up going to bed awfully late and waking up in the morning either under panic attack or feel as if all my bones are about to crush and collapse. during the day, despite my sincere intention to do something—anything—and be productive, exasperation usually wins. yes, i know.

con. cen. trate. focus. focus and concentrate.

and sleep, for heaven's sake.

i want to cry my ass off...

2005-04-12T01:14:00.000-07:00

...because i can't go to coachella nor glastonbury this summer.

big boo for me.
________________
update: what i'm going to miss out:

coldplay / weezer / the chemical brothers / wilco / keane / snow patrol / rilo kiley / doves / bloc party / spoon / zap mama / jamie cullum / m83 / four tet / the kills / dj marky / the thieves / k-os / nine inch nails / new order / gang of four / the prodigy / the arcade fire / pinback / dj krush / m.i.a. / ben watts / stereophonics / the futureheads / sloan / kasabian / the locust / white stripes / kylie / the killers / elvis costello / brian wilson / van morisson / ash / taj mahal / garbage / fatboy slim / royksopp / interpol / rufus wainwright / the dears / hot hot heat / cake / martha wainwright / go team / the subways / roy ayers / roots manuva / tori amos / ani difranco / timo maas / mylo / dubtribe / zen tv / hybrid / among others

let go

2005-04-09T01:28:00.000-07:00

poof.

it's done. had it happened a year ago, i would never forgive myself.

had it happened a few months back, i'd have a nervous breakdown.

had it happened a few weeks ago, i would still fight, no matter how painful it is.

had it happened a few days back, the wound would stay and might never got healed.

now it's done. i've learned that at some point, you need to be able to let go. no hard feelings. no drama. no nothing.

because if i believe in fate, i know that i need not to worry.

the house is getting creepier

2005-04-08T02:01:00.000-07:00

i am no fool.

it's not like i've been ignorant the past seven months. it's not like it comes as a real shocker, although surely the whole thing becomes les and less subtle lately—especially since around three months ago.

my appreciation towards him has been next to zero ever since he lives with us, for some obvious and not-so-obvious reasons. redneck attitude, obscene and coarse choices of words, sorry-ass job, pathetic life story and, well, his life in general.

to be honest i feel sorry for him, at the end.

one of our first few, accidental and random conversations had him saying, "my wife was an alcoholic, emil. that's why we got divorced.

"i have a teenage son, probably turning 17 or 18 this year i can't remember. he's coming here to stay with me next year. i hope he'll like it. he never lived with me before, i left him when he was a toddler."

prolly two or three weeks after that conversation happened, he went home tipsy, approached me and asked, "guess what i did just now?"

"what?"

"we went to a strip club! my buddy pete just turned 19 today, so we celebrate it going to monty's!"

just for the record, tom, the guy that we're talking about here, is 42.

"yeah i like to drink wine once in a while. it's alright. i like beer better."

just for the record, he never runs out of corona, ever. our garbage bin is always full of bottles after bottles of beer, we even need a second bin every week or else it won't fit all.

"you know emil, sometimes people just want to take a crap on your face over and over again and they don't wipe their ass or nothin'. no. they just love the smell of the shit."

riiiiight.

sure, he's a nice guy. keeps the house clean. has a pair of talented hands—being a construction worker certainly comes in handy when he does some carpentry around the house: renovating, fixing and the like.

drinking often is one thing. huffing dope together in the garage is also one thing. we can't really complain for that.

being an alcoholic is another.

he really gives me the creeps lately with his demeanor. i thought it was bad enough that he goes to bed early (i'm talking around 8 and 9 pm here), and he's always out of it early in the evening—even afternoon. of course we always just ignore him, thinking it's none of our business.

one day he came home with a blank stare from his eyes, his body shivered hard, opened the door and yelled, "i'm so sexy!"

"you sexy, tom?" scott asked him back from the living room.

"yeah, i'm sexy!"

that's a two-in-one alright, right over there. followed by him cracking almost every muscle joint in his body, went back to his pseudo-bedroom admiring one of those cheap bikini calendar on his wall, me and scott could only exchange the look.

not too mention the one-too-many tackless comments he makes every time scott invites people for supper.

today, he snored loudly from the dining room. there he was, sleeping in a sitting position on the dining chair. the smell of alcohol was so pervasive i thought i had just missed out a kegger happening in the house. i went to the kitchen, trying to make noises as loud as possible so he'd wake up and go to his room. to no avail.

he kept snoring, moving back and forth, completely unconscious. i just stood there watching him. all of a sudden, he leaned forward too heavily, the chair rocked and he fell to the floor, passed out just like that. boom. glasses still intact, head above left hand, sleeping position on the floor, heavy breathe, his ass still sticked to the chair's bottom. i stood just a few inches away from him.

he was still unconscious.

i came back to my room and left him there.

just for the record, this is not the first time it happens.

later on the evening, scott told me, "he's moving out on may or june, so don't worry too much about it.

"i hope you don't feel uncomfortable or whatever when he's around, although it's okay if you do. i know it bothers me sometimes. he's a good guy, but it's hard when you're addicted to booze. i know a lot of my buddies who become addicted to work, and also a whole lot more who become an alcoholic.

"i know what you're thinking, it's just sad that he's like that at his age, but you know what it's like. he already has a place and everything. i just want you to feel safe."

at least i know he's not gonna stay here for too long.

overwhelmed

2005-03-30T03:40:00.000-08:00

if everything happens at once (or almost), the dreadful and the highly expected, this is what's going to happen to your life: lesser sleeping and resting time, higher stress level, higher frequency of substance intakes, severe case of anxiety, and ultimately, the unbalanced tendencies of determination and procrastination.

god help me.

death

2005-03-21T03:48:00.000-08:00

today, the day passed me by really slowly, minute by minute, almost unnoticed.

the thought occured to me the second my eyes were open, when i still lay on my bed, without any warning. what if this is my last breath?

to my own surprise, despite the horrid thought, i could calmly answer it, in silence, then death it is. well hello, infinite abyss. still on my bed, same position, several seconds later.

as if it is the most natural thing in the world (yes, it is). as if it is just another random morning thought (yes, it is). the moment lasted long enough that i almost fall back to sleep, if not because of the noise my roommate, tom, was making outside.

i cancelled all my plans for the day and decided to enjoy my what if thought alone. it was raining outside and tom was having a cleaning delirium. i chose to stay inside, selfless cold and composed. read through a book. had a long warm bath. watched a dvd. cooked some good food. took a quick nap. not even the loud music tom and my landlord scott were playing from the living room distracted me too much.

maybe i should write a list of things i want to do before i die. maybe i should pray more. what would it feels like, death? would it be peaceful, painful? is there an afterlife? maybe i should think of the the world that would still goes round, and round, and round, without me.

maybe i should do nothing.

it is 3:47am now. maybe i should stop thinking.

fury

2005-03-19T23:57:00.000-08:00

life is fury. fury—sexual, oedipal, political, magical, brutal—drives us to our finest heights and coarsest depths. out of furia comes creation, inspiration, originality, passion, but also violence, pain, pure unafraid destruction, the giving and receiving of blows from which we never recover. the Furies pursue us; Shiva dances his furious dance to create and also to destroy. but never mind about gods! this is what we are, what we civilize ourselves to disguise—the terrifying human animal in us, the exalted, transcendent, self-destructive, untrammeled lord of creation. we raise each other to the heights of joy. we tear each other limb from fucking limb.

--salman rushdie

ost - my life [part 10]

2005-03-13T23:47:00.000-08:00

two hundred songs. one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, TEN parts.

181. the scene when i'm down: stereolab - brakhage

182. the dancing and stomping 3pm at the beach scene: mates of state - ha ha

183. the scene of me and an arabian jazz night: wax poetic - oriental wind

184. the scene when i've got nothing to say: shaun escoffery - breaking away (koop remix)

185. the hot summer day scene: modest mouse - float on

186. the scene when the road is long and the journey is still far from the end: cornelius - drop (kings of convenience remix)

187. the scene when it's not too bad: freak power - rush

188. the fast-paced scene: mint royale - singing in the rain (fuzzy groove mix)

189. the scene when i'm weak and feeling the energy: the flaming lips - one more robot-sympathy 3000-21

190. the scene of me strolling: papas fritas - way you walk

191. the scene when i'm sleeping in: the arcade fire - rebellion (lies)

192. the inner harbour at june scene: soulplanet jazz ensemble - changes

193. the happiness contemplation scene: infracom presents rejazz - quiet night (nicole conte "out of the cool" version)

194. the scene when the night warms up: the rapture - back it up

195. the scene when uncertainty prevails: matthew herbert - suddenly

196. the tapping scene: jazzanova - fedime's flight (kyoto jazz massive remix)

197. the scene when my shoulders are heavy: snow patrol - how to be dead

198. the scene of me on saint germain boulevard: big bang - ping pong

199. the scene when autumn leaves fall to the moving train across the valley: kings of convenience - the build up

200. the scene when i look and wish to be there: folksongs for the afterlife - summer loop

the happy life

2005-03-07T22:07:00.000-08:00

i've been thinking a lot lately about what constitutes happiness in life. some people might say happiness means having or getting what matters to them most—to love, to be loved, doing what they feel passionate about, having what they've been dreaming of, constant reminder of people who cares, the list goes on.

but the term happiness itself is as vague as any other terms that involve emotion. you can't really measure it, and you won't know when you would feel happy as opposed to, well, feel sad.

people often complain how their lives don't sustain the happiness they have been yearning for. mine's not an exception (or maybe it's just the fact that i still have a long journey ahead). they would be drawn into the depression cycle, cling back to their pasts, forget the outside world, always in the constant search for the true meaning of their lives. if they lucky, at one point during their pursuit they'd find it. some just simply realize when enough is enough and stop the search altogether. some would never give up, although deep inside they know it's never going to end.

the search, more often than not, involves pain and grief—some things that are opposite of the idea of happiness. before they realize it, the quest has led them far from their initial point, and even farther from what they are looking for. soon they'd forget what was the purpose of the search, and forget what it feels like to be happy.

it's not hard to fake happiness. i do it all the time. have those 100 problems on your back, go outside, meet people and put a smile. act as if you've just won a lottery. people woudn't know the unhappiness you're bearing with. if you fail on your first attempt, and people give you sympathy, acknowledge their 'help.' act as if you feel okay now, then repeat. and the next thing you know you are the happiest person alive, according to them.

but really, it's hard to find happiness when you forget how it feels like. and when you think about it, your surroundings matter the most to your state of happiness: happy, unhappy, numb, indifferent.

a friend of mine asked me once, what my goal is in this life.

"to die happy" was my answer. she then asked again, whether that means no regret when i look back and be able to say, 'i had a good life.'

my answer was simple. yes.

for me, that is ultimate happiness. it might be the hardest thing a man can ever do in his life. i don't deny that, and i'm not saying it's easy. but that is my pursuit. and as long as i have my faith with me, it will always be my pursuit.

the midwest duo

2005-03-03T23:36:00.000-08:00

"i like your accents. you guys have accents, do you know that?" Kori spits out her comments about canada and throws a glance with a smile to Jason. Jason puts his wide grin looking straight to her eyes, and takes a few sips from his bottled water before Kori lets her fringe falls covering her right eye and starts the opening melody of the crazy tunes of a song that is ha ha. quoting what has been described by others about the song, what follows is 'three minutes of rollercoaster loops and ups and downs with sharp tempo twists and turns'. Kori plays her organ with the occasional robotic back-and-forth movement, while Jason never ceases to randomly look at her with amusement sparkling on his eyes and playing the drums plus singing on top of his lung at the same time. the audience naturally cannot resist the temptation to dance along with the duo's 'ooh ooh's and 'aah aah's all over the track.

the above scene happened halfway through their performance, which started as a really slow and laid-back night. i arrived half an hour after the door's opened and—i wasn't really surprised—hardly anyone was there. the opening band, kansas city's own the golden republic, was still doing soundcheck and the couple that i sacrificed my free time to be spared to watch was still arranging the band's merchandise near the front door.

"hello, how are you?" i was thrilled, really, when i realized that was Kori Gardner, the first half of mates of state, greeting me as i walked through the front door, to which i could only reply with a lame and boring "i'm good, thanks. how about you?" (but no doubt with a sheepish smile).

"great. excited about the show tonight?" she tentatively asked me. but before i could give her a decent answer, Jason Hammel—the other half of the band—urged for her help and when she did, i could only reply under my breath, "abso-freakin-lutely. can i have your autograph?" but of course, being a coward that i am, that never happened.

when finally the golden republic performed an hour later, there were only about half the audience of the last gig i watched at the same venue. their performance reminded me of the advantage's act, although i enjoy their music a whole lot more than their predecessors. around nine rockin' songs they played, with a hint of interpol and some splashes of modest mouse and david byrne (yes). it's amazing seeing them live and you'd never have guessed they have a pretty diverse music taste (from air and badly drawn boy to franz ferdinand and wilco). another plus point: they've been and continue touring with notably talented musicians; e.g. last year they toured with idlewild and sondre lerche, next month they're touring with graham coxon (damn, am i jealous or what!).

"you have a very nice city. and oh, we're so jealous with your free health care" was their first remark about canada they threw that night. "maybe we'll move here just for the health care. it's f*ckin expensive back home."

but the highlight of the night was, of course, the other midwesterners i'd been dying to see for a while.

mates of state.

and this extremely down-to-earth and talented pair was exactly what i had imagined them to be—fun and savvy couple who sing more to each other rather than to the audience. constant knowing glances in the midst of their organs and drums music; bizarrely beautiful, not-your-every-day radio pop yet force you to dance and sounds strangely familiar.

"where are you from?" a guy randomly asked Kori after they finished their first song of the night. by the time they started playing there were still only around 70 people comprising the audience. i'm not complaining at all, in fact the gig felt more personal to me with such a limited size of audience.

"where are we from?" Kori repeated the question and gave Jason the look. "uhm, i don't even know where we're from, we've moved a lot. do you really wanna hear the whole story of all the places we stayed?" she then continued, "we stayed in san fran and that's the best place we've ever lived," followed by some anonymous cheers from the audience. true, they're famously known as come from san francisco, despite the fact that they formed their band (and relationship) in lawrence, kansas and had now left california's sunshine to reside in new haven, connecticut.

proofs, the second track they played, almost made me jump up and down in excitement, knowing that ha ha would come in a matter of minutes. i couldn't help but smiled my goofy grin looking at Kori shouting to Jason, "it hardly matters, it does not matter," while Jason shouted back to her, "it doesn't matter, what might come through," and they together sing "but let's unravel the edge of time, where proofs and postulations rise." that reminded me of why mates of state stands out than your regular boy/girl duo indie band—they sing on top of each other with different lyrics, shout out as if nobody's there watching them and totally at ease to each other, without hiding their seem-to-be-perfect marriage but minus the cheesy 'i love you' whispers on stage as you might have guessed.

and their music of course. and boy, are they notorious of their unique sounds or what? frolicking vocals and edgy organs sounds harmonized with clinking drums (sometimes even undeniably off-key). with songs like fluke and whiner's bio, you might've mistaken them as kids gone berserk having fun in daddy's recording studio. although the imagery can be backed up as true for some degree, in the real world that's about as far an example as they are. Kori spent her pre-mates of state days as a grade school teacher, while Jason had a day job as a cancer researcher before they decided to give them up and released my solo project, the band's first full album, followed by our constant concern and tours with the strokes and death cab for cutie.

team boo (personal favourite for me) came next with better sound quality after they moved to their new home with their own basement studio. their first EP, all day, was released last november including a cover of bowie's starman and their first time utilizing a guitar. marriage, great recordings and then the baby came along. but that didn't discourage them to do the conquest tour last fall followed by the west coast tour on february (with victoria—and me lucky enough to be there—as the last city of the tour), thanks to the nanny who takes care of little Magnolia (the baby) while they're on stage.

the next 50 minutes was pure raucous indie pop without much bullshit but plenty of fun and good times as infectious as an honest laughter. goods (all in your heads) was amazingly performed, as was the somewhat melancholy hoarding it for home. the crowd cheered for more when they played gotta get a problem.

"your city is beautiful. town? whatever you call it." Kori noted last-minutely. 'maybe we'll move here too when we're old," she commented alluring to their nomad life and, well, victoria. no matter, they had fun, i had fun, everybody seemed to be happy. the gig was closed glamorously with the song these days they made for wicker park's soundtrack. the dim light supported the airy mood as Kori chimmed in keyboard melody from her organs and Jason stood leaving his drumset behind his back. next was only the melody, him and his microphone. and then it strucked me.

these days i seem to think a lot
about the things that i forgot to do
and all the times i had the chance to
...
these days i sit on corner stores
and count the time in quarter tones to ten
please don't confront me with my failures
cause i have not forgotten them

for that, and making my day, i thank them.

salt spring island

2005-02-18T03:18:00.000-08:00

welcome to salt spring island. we never leave the '70s.

so the rumour says of the island's unofficial slogan.

consider this: when we strolled toward the dock facing the long harbour, we had to cross the centennial park of the seaside village of ganges, and an undoubtedly stoned man was dancing his ass off with some bizarre planet x moves to a similarly bizarre blazing techno music. in the middle of the day. in the middle of the park. mid-february.

after an hour or so two or three other people joined him, the park stinked by so much weed we could easily got high just by crossing on their sideway.

consider this: the names of the two most populated sites of the island are ganges and vesuvius.

consider this: a small house slash work studio slash gallery on a steep cliff foreshore, with a view facing the most gorgeous and serene scenery you would imagine looking from an island. the people who live there are couple of artisans who do nothing all day but painting on a canvas or on an ostrich egg, playing with their half-cocker-spaniel, half-daschund dog and smoking weed.

when we parked and approached the place, the guy asked us to enjoy the view first before going inside. he asked us to pick a pin, and prick it where we come from on a world map on the wall.

consider this: they have their own salt spring island issued currency. no joke. it's backed up by canadian federal bank. it works like a gift certificate and you can use it to buy stuff from stores.

consider this: a modest new age store—one of the few stores open on sunday—at ganges village. they sell everything that can be categorized as new age, exotic or oriental. from your everyday indian and thai souvenirs to a complete series of books about yoga and meditations. tarot cards. alternative clothing (the ones that you can find anywhere at kuta, bali or chatucak market, bangkok). 101 kinds of aromatherapy and incense. herbalized chocolate. chinese and/or japanese calligraphy decorations. handmade cards and journals. the woman who sits the store was wearing a bell-bottom corduroy jeans, a white t-shirt on top of blue long-sleeved t-shirt, and a blonde curly hair as big as the bushes on my backyard.

so what's that you're buying?

it's a handmade journal, made in india. isn't it pretty?

how much did you get it for?

twelve bucks. why?

you know it probably only costs around a dollar if you buy it in india, right?

consider this: an island with a population of a mere ten thousand with eight different mountains to hike to.

consider this: an island full of wood-carving, weed-smoking, tree-hugging hippies.

consider yourself saying, welcome to salt spring island indeed.

you know, the place where you would consider your journey as incomplete if you don't include discussions about religion and society.

is that also the case in india?

i'm not from india.

oh. oh. sorry. where are you from?

indonesia.

i'm so sorry. i thought—

that's okay. i get that a lot.

or it wouldn't be as fun if you don't include 15 people to come with you. and a massive amount of food. and at least five cameras involved.

it's a wonder, with a distance of only half-an-hour ferry-ride away, that was my first visit to the island. i'll make sure that it certainly wouldn't be the last.

70 songs that changed my life

2005-02-07T02:10:00.000-08:00

1. smashing pumpkins - 1979
2. pinback - loro
3. jamiroquai - blow your mind
4. zero 7 - destiny
5. omar - there's nothing like this
6. lenny kravitz - it ain't over 'til it's over
7. the dandy warhols - bohemian like you
8. aquanote - nowhere
9. badly drawn boy - silent sigh
10. suede - beautiful ones
11. ben folds five - smoke
12. bjork - it's oh so quiet
13. the shins - new slang
14. blur - song 2
15. the cardigans - love fool
16. the murmurs - you suck
17. brand new heavies - stay gone
18. safri duo - baya baya
19. cibo matto - stone
20. nirvana - smells like teen spirit
21. dashboard confessional - screaming infedilities
22. the lemonheads - my drug buddy
23. dave matthews band - say goodbye
24. the postal service - such great heights
25. blue six - music and wine
26. the strokes - last nite
27. incubus - are you in
28. the sundays - you're not the only one i know
29. groove armada - at the river
30. think about cosmo - miss you so
31. frou frou - let go
32. elefant - make up
33. duncan sheik - barely breathing
34. incognito - a shade of blue
35. john mayer - back to you
36. royksopp - sparks
37. kings of convenience - toxic girl
38. lamb - transfatty acid
39. dave matthews band - #41
40. les nubians - makeda
41. marvin gaye - let's get it on
42. george michael feat. mary j. blige - as
43. massive attack - protection
44. new radicals - someday we'll know
45. counting crows - colorblind
46. norah jones - don't know why
47. orbital - beached
48. weezer - say it ain't so
49. underworld - born slippy
50. third eye blind - semi charmed life
51. chemical brothers - star guitar
52. the cure - just like heaven
53. supreme beings of leisure - never the same
54. ben folds - protection
55. saint etienne - woodcabin
56. pulp - disco 2000
57. radiohead - creep
58. portishead - it could be sweet
59. wax poetic feat. norah jones - tell me
60. the apostles - mercy mercy me
61. the wannadies - you and me song
62. gin blossoms - 'til i hear it from you
63. mother earth - jesse
64. lisa loeb - stay
65. franz ferdinand - jacqueline
66. janet jackson - together again
67. goo goo dolls - iris
68. dubstar - stars
69. foo fighters - walking after you
70. smashing pumpkins - perfect

where is the time?

2005-01-31T23:02:00.000-08:00

where are the never-ending, too-much-to-waste spare times i used to have? where have the free hours of strolling downtown and browsing useless websites gone? the times i had to cook dinner. read my books. download songs. clean my room. post something on my blog. exercise. where are they?

where have i led my life into? why am i now rushing with time and never get enough?

i wonder why

2005-01-11T09:04:00.000-08:00

i wonder why sometimes i love it when uncertainty prevails.

movies i saw in 2004

2005-01-09T02:21:00.000-08:00

sorted in a chronological order. inclusive in the year 2004 (january 1st - december 31st). included are movies that i saw for the first time. countless replays are not included (exception for #26, for that was the first time i watched all 3 movies straight in one viewing of 10 hours).

1. the station agent (usa/canada) *
2. the human stain
3. casa de los babys (usa/mexico)
4. sylvia (uk)
5. intolerable cruelty
6. shattered glass
7. runaway jury
8. the singing detective --pft
9. 11"09"01 - september 11 (uk/france/egypt/japan/mexico/usa)
10. love actually (uk)
11. elephant *
12. something's gotta give
13. falling angels (canada)
14. american splendor *
15. punch-drunk love [dvd]
16. the dreamers (usa/france)
17. 50 first date
18. the barbarian invasions (canada) *
19. 21 grams
20. the butterfly effect --pft
21. cold mountain
22. house of sand and fog
23. calendar girls (usa/uk)
24. in america *
25. mystic river
26. LoTR trilogy (marathon)
27. kill bill vol. 2
28. the corporation (doc)
29. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind *
30. the triplets of belleville (france) --pft
31. monster
32. troy
33. girl with a pearl earring (uk/luxembourg)
34. shrek 2
35. y tu mama tambien (mexico/usa) [dvd] *
36. reservoir dogs [dvd]
37. the fog of war (doc)
38. the crime of padre amaro (mexico/spain/france/argentina) [dvd]
39. dancer in the dark (denmark/germany/netherlands/usa/uk/ france/sweden/finland/iceland/norway) [dvd] *
40. tibet: cry of the snow lion (doc)
41. amores perros (mexico) [dvd] *
42. harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban
43. talk to her (spain) [dvd]
44. the day after tomorrow
45. donnie darko
46. mulholland drive [dvd] --pft
47. super size me (doc)
48. arisan! (indonesia) [dvd]
49. the ice storm [dvd]
50. the royal tenenbaums [dvd]
51. kandahar (iran) [dvd]
52. goodbye, lenin! (germany) *
53. the piano (australia/new zealand/france) [dvd]
54. the terminal
55. the sweet hereafter (usa/canada) [dvd]
56. city of god (brazil) [dvd] *
57. the thin red line [dvd]
58. son of the bride (argentina) [dvd]
59. i'm not scared (italy) *
60. fahrenheit 9/11 (doc)
61. laws of attraction
62. scooby doo 2
63. cradle will rock [dvd] *
64. hellboy [dvd]
65. along came polly [dvd]
66. pieces of april [dvd]
67. spiderman 2
68. nowhere in africa (germany/kenya) [dvd]
69. monsieur ibrahim (france) [dvd]
70. wasabi (france/japan) [dvd] --pft
71. mengejar matahari (indonesia)
72. the importance of being earnest (usa/france/uk) [dvd]
73. donnie brasco [dvd] *
74. win a date with ted hamilton [dvd] --pft
75. sex, lies, and videotape [dvd]
76. catwoman
77. hamlet [dvd]
78. intermission (ireland/uk) [dvd]
79. sinbad: legend of the 7 seas [dvd]
80. starsky and hutch
81. the bourne supremacy
82. the delicate art of parking (canada) (doc) *
83. coffee and cigarettes *
84. resident evil 2
85. touch of pink (uk/canada)
86. garden state *
87. before sunset *
88. my mother likes women (spain) --pft
89. el mariachi (mexico) --pft
90. the story of the weeping camel (mongolia) (doc)
91. the motorcycle diaries (usa/uk/germany/argentina) *
92. vera drake (uk)
93. sex and lucia (spain) [dvd]
94. facing windows (italy)
95. blow [dvd]
96. team america: world police
97. intimate strangers (france)
98. my architect: a son's journey (doc)
99. maria full of grace (colombia/usa) *
100. bridget jones diary 2 (uk)
101. vanity fair (uk/usa)
102. the incredibles
103. the experiment (germany) [dvd]
104. japanese story (australia)
105. ocean's 12
106. sideways *

index:
orange * = this movie blows my mind!
gray --pft = it sucks big time
(blue) = country of production (if left blank means usa)
(doc) = documentary
[dvd] = i watched it in a dvd format

calgary, new year, and back to reality

2005-01-08T16:53:00.000-08:00

sometimes it's hard to adjust back to the real world after series of stressful, tense, yet fun and unforgettable events slamming your life for a week or so. it felt weird when last wednesday i had to go back to my old routine, going to new classes , writing down upcoming schedule in a new agenda, finding a new job, taking the bus to and from the campus, so on and so forth. every time I have the chance to gather with my friends, we always try to forget the reality and talk about our holidays, the time when we share our love and finding out about each other's personality as if it's the first time we met. so many things had happened during the past weeks. i find it hard to believe how close we are to each other, yet we are very distant. after hours we would go places, all excited and perky, and end the day all exhausted, downhearted, with our hearts full of hope. wishful thinking.

i remember calgary as the goddamn flat, freaking dry and cold city in the middle of the prairie with downtown full of tall buildings rising out of nowhere. when i took a peak from the plane's window, the view was simply breathtaking. blocks after blocks after blocks of nothing but white. snow white. the land is plain flat, you could see as far as the horizon almost 360°. before calgary, the coldest place i've been was only around -5° C. calgary, it reached as cold as -28° C. welcome to canada indeed.

my nose was bleeding almost all the time. the air was dead dry and unbelievably cold i couldn't breathe properly with my nose when i was outside; i had to use my mouth instead, and found the blood freezed inside my nose. my face went numb in 30 seconds, my ears turned red and hurt as if i just had a bee sting.

it couldn't get any worse than that.

but i had the time of my life there. the perfect escape. even made a fool of myself during new year's eve. enjoying life. i hadn't had the loudest laugh before that week. the biggest foolish smile. the widest grin. the lousiest grim. the fattest guilt. a mix of chocolate fondue and sushi.

it has been snowing in victoria since yesterday. funny how i really enjoy it. if it's not because of the wind, it would have been perfect, although it's still nothing compared to calgary. 2005 has started in a strange way. strange, for i've learned how to appreciate the 'real' me.

and everyone else.

berduka

2004-12-29T05:21:00.000-08:00

this might be my last post for the year.

tonight i'm heading to vancouver;and calgary follows tomorrow. the vacation i've been waiting since september.

somehow all of this doesn't feel right. here i am, planning my next five days to have fun and kill time before the next semester starts, while half way around the world over 77,000 people from 12 countries have been confirmed dead. more than 45,000 of them are from my own country. it gives me shivers everytime i think of that number and the certainty of its towering within the next days.

2004 has a special meaning for me personally. not the most wonderful, but very memorable nonetheless. so many little things over the year have gradually given impacts to my life, my way of thinking and my ground belief.

now we all end the year with grief. the biggest in recent history. i don't know how i should feel about that.

the distress is even worse after i heard of what had happened to morningdew's family. i then think of those who are now separated or lost their family members. each one of them. how can they handle the reality? what if it happens to me? how would life be after the tragedy? how can they possibly survive?

it gives me headache just to think of it.

since the day after christmas, all i have been doing is going through all news from all kind of resources back and forth (online, broadcasts, newspapers). check and recheck. confirm and reconfirm. maybe i now should catch my daily life back before i get overwhelmed.

i will remember 2004 dearly. i know i won't forget. any single detail of it.

my sympathy and condolences go to the people of south and southeast asia.

tsunami

2004-12-28T06:35:00.000-08:00

update:

for complete information on how to help the victims, please visit http://tsunamihelp.blogspot.com

to help specifically those in aceh and sumatra utara, please visit http://indonesiahelp.blogspot.com
____________________

i was just about to rant two days ago about what has been happening lately, but cancelled the plan for now it would seem very inappropriate.

in a snap my problems became insignificant and i felt like the most ungrateful imp alive.

scott, my landlord, knocked on my door a couple of times before i opened it and thought that someone has been calling. instead he told me about the earthquake and tsunamis and dragged me in front of the tv to look at the news itself.

i didn't know what to react at first;my mind was still in the dreamland and i couldn't comprehend what's going on properly. it took me about five minutes to finally realize how bad the situation really is. eva—scott's girlfriend—and tom—my other roommate—were there too watching the news. somehow that living room scene on that particular morning revived memories of hearing 9/11, bali, marriott and kuningan bombings for the first time. the air was filled with shock and awe.

and pang of sadness.

i quickly jumped back to my room and checked the news from the internet. for the next two hours all i did was bustling back and forth from the living room to my room, checking the latest progress from both the internet and tv. briefly i forgot my plan to hunt sale items for boxing day blowout. what crushed me most was the fact that the number of the death toll is constantly increasing—even until now.

all three of them urged me to immediately call my family and check whether they're okay or not. i looked at my watch and it was past 9am. there's no point of contacting them that time—it'd already be past midnight there anyway. plus, jakarta is quite far and i was pretty sure they're not affected.

i told them that but they still thought calling them is a good idea. i promised i'll contact them in the afternoon, when it'd be morning in jakarta. needless to say, my family was fine although very worried about the casualties.

some friends left messages on msn messenger, asking the same question about my family and suggested their condolences for the tragedy. some called or left a message on the answering machine.

indonesia is mentioned on the news, and everybody enquires on my hometown, my loved ones and my comments.

somehow all these sympathies confirm my aforementioned statement, how i'm an ungrateful imp. most of the time i take things for granted. it's true that i don't know anyone who might be affected with the disaster; i don't have any relatives or friends living in aceh, sri lanka or india for that matter. but i do know, now, that i have one big safe family back home and a lot of very considering friends surround me. i also know, now, that my life is about as miserable a condition as a person who has just won a lottery, compared to the mass which have become victims.

i think i learn more about my life and myself these days. in between the grimness of the tragedy, lessons lurk and seep in.

it creeps me out.

random pre-sunrise thoughts and links

2004-12-17T02:24:00.000-08:00

+ just found out that this blog looks different (i.e. weirder) when i view it using firefox or camino. why, i've been using avant all this long and everything looks fine.

+ who knows, a boring family secret can be utterly fun to read!

+ i want you to meet pommy, the curious dog of our family. a total dazzler with his unseemly infinite charm. see all those pup pals he has below the bio? yup, that's how popular he is. everyone keeps messaging me to add him as their pals. my personal favourite: seymour snuffles. ain't they look alike?

+ drooling over the thai won on. hmmm... (i don't care how cold it is outside) prolly it's just me tired of all those gingerbread and eggnog lattes.

+ i wonder what makes canadians so obsessed with tim hortons, gravy, bacon and poutine. which gives me an idea, maybe i should write something about that. later. if i remember.

+ do you know anything about technorati? it's crazy. even creepier than google, imo, because it's focused just for weblogs. plus when you register and have watchlist, you can, and i quote, "track the daily conversations that develop between people on weblogs and the sites, news, products and topics they are talking about." goodbye privacy.

+ heading to nanaimo this xmas and calgary for new year. ho hum.

ost - my life [part 9]

2004-12-14T00:34:00.000-08:00

the ninth! that's 180 songs so far. and i still feel the need to post the series more frequently. oh well. (don't forget the past parts: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, and eight).

161. the scene when i don't do much talking: mates of state - these days

162. the scene of me walking downtown nottingham: bent - always in my heart

163. the jamaican love scene: erlend oye - prego amore

164. the scene of me having a perfect house party: blue six - music and wine

165. the scene when we remember the good times of playing super mario bros: the postal service - brand new colony

166. the scene when i talk about it and the less i do control: phoenix - everything is everything

167. the scene when i drive around jakarta: kahimi karie feat. tahiti 80 - (we'll go) separate ways

167. the done-it-all-but-still-can't-comprehend-a-thing scene: pinback - tripoli

168. the scene of me being good: de-phazz - belle de jour

169. the scene when i remember the good old days: lifehouse - everybody is someone

170. the scene when i still believe in paradise: orbital - beached

171. the scene when i'm not there: the flaming lips - ego tripping at the gates of hell

172. the scene where i begin to understand what it's all about: sondre lerche - suffused with love

173. the scene of me going crazy for 2 minutes and 20 seconds: franz ferdinand - tell her tonight

174. the scene when there's a breakdance happening on the street: groove armada - superstylin'

175. the scene when i have that new jersey feeling: the shins - know your onion!

176. the semi-fuelled after-party scene for tomorrow: spooks - sweet revenge

177. the scene when i want a piece of heaven: james taylor quartet feat. neil sedaka - love will keep us together

178. the underneath-the-star scene: wilco - hummingbird

179. the scene when they say, "it's not fair": djavan - eu te devoro

180. the scene of me watching your world from distant: aqualung - strange and beautiful

because i'm tired of it

2004-12-12T02:14:00.000-08:00

don't think don't consider don't even have the slightest idea about it.

there is the stream but please don't follow it. you avoid it but you will lose and now you are the insane one. the passage to the other place is severely damaged and the others give you the look so now you are uncool.

to be similar means to be substitutable but you are not. to ask for forgiveness means to admit one's fault not to erase it and it takes a lot of gut to do it and every person deserves rewards.

down, down, down but eventually it goes up, up, up and that is what matters.

explain or choose silence instead but there is only so much that you can take. there is a limit for a limit for a limit and you will be tired of it. you walk in the rain look for the fire and try to escape the noise but can you ever escape?

not in a hundred years and no there is no point of doing what you are thinking so just don't.

don't you see, destiny will manifest in time?

version 2.0

2004-12-08T05:25:00.000-08:00

last year around this time, this blog was just being created with an age of no more than two weeks. i got bored, so i decided to change the layout—and customized it a little bit. the result was the layout i have been using for one year. this was the layout's background:

then one day (yesterday to be exact), i opened my notebook, took a last look of my blog's old layout and decided to call it a day.

i intend to keep using the got sound? theme infinitely, likewise the headphone emblem. i found the headphone picture that i put as my header from sing in the snow website and use it on the banner. i figured it would be better than using this one:

one restless day and sleepless night later, i can finally present the 2nd version. it's not perfect, with a few flaws here and there, but who cares? i'm proud of it anyway.

so now, mind me, what i need is a wee bit of rest and an hour or two of sleep. then i can worry about my finals.

life is psychedelic

2004-12-05T04:01:00.000-08:00

this time
my heart grows bigger and bigger and almost explodes
but instead it rises and grows wings
and floats and
i see some sparks shattering from inside while
it flies up and high
the sparks so bright i am almost blinded
and it explodes with a big bang
loud and enormous until
it creates its own universe with stars and planets and galaxies
so divine
and leaves the world behind
it goes further and further and everything seems so small
and i feel so small
and insignificant and
my heart is no longer with me
it just floats further until all i can see
is just a tiny white dot
and disappears
above us all

december remember

2004-12-02T22:50:00.000-08:00

it's december again.

the time to add eggnog and gingerbread flavours for your latte. the time to hear those same old jingles over and over again everywhere you go. the time to splurge your money and in return get things that you don't really need.

the time when you would reflect back to the past eleven months and take a little note on how your life has been. and you would start to worry about the year after.

the busiest time of the year, the happiest time of the year. the sit-and-joy time of the year, the sappiest time of the year.

it's december again. and i remember.

all i need is a little time
all i need is a peace of this mind
then i can celebrate

to do it all over. and forget, if i can.

the hilarity of a one night show

2004-11-28T01:44:00.000-08:00

the venue looks more like a dungeon than a place to throw a gig. quite a funky dungeon, that is. dim red light from the bar side, few chairs and sofas near the front door, a stage at the end of the other side, and a confined alley-like hallway complete with red brick wall and chairs hanging on the ceiling. that's right. hanging on the ceiling. a good number of posters were stapled on the wall, some absurd trip hop songs were played from the speakers while waiting for the first band to do their soundcheck. people who came were just as peculiar. you could find people who were trying to be old school, wearing tight shirts with short ties and indie hairdo chatting together with people wearing punk wardrobe. i was pretty dumbfounded when a girl who wore socks of different colours and net stocking asked me for a cigarette and grabbed my bum. before i could even say no, a guy with an even weirder attire (long bushy hair, a formal long coat, military pants, and a pair of converse) hugged her from behind.

i felt like i was the only sane person in that bar.

it took a little bit long for the place to fill up, but the on-stage preparation was even longer. this is what you get when you're acting early bird. i've learned my lesson.

not-so-soon later, the opening act started. "hiwerethe advantageandwerefromcaliforniathisisourfirstsongsomethingsomething¹," the spoke person introduced themselves in his murmurs. the advantage, a band with incredibly talented guitarist, incredibly ridiculous drummer, incredibly odd bassist and incredibly surprising music. they actually combined retro-style melodic rhythm with wicked rock, it scared me. ripping guitars and more murmurs. i was touched.

along came neil hamburger, an awful stand up comedian who consider blasphemy, celebrity-bashing and toilet humour as 'funny'. one big irony, especially because the ads had described him as 'the last real comedian on earth'. arguably this was the worst kind of performance i have ever seen in my entire life, past, present and future. what's worse, he continued rambling his lame jokes for more than an exhaustive half an hour or so. i began to worry that i'd come there for nothing.

awhile and it paid off. i was not the only one who thought i have wasted my time for the show. in fact everyone did, and we showed it loud and clear to the poor old dope, so off the stage he was. i could finally breath again. well, sorta. and after another stretched and boring session of stage preparation, finally, the reason of why i abandoned my textbooks to go to the bar was there on stage.

pinback.

rob crow and zach of the former three mile pilot. right in front of me.

it felt weird being that close to the stage; prolly the place gave an even more dramatic effect with the proximity and the, should i say, intimacy of the crowd and the performers.

they started by delivering the computer-generated pilot-on-a-jet-like sounds followed by the guitar rhythm of the song boo. everyone chanted for several seconds before a hypnotizing silence emerged while listening to the song. hysterical applause roared after the song finished. they deserved it alright. after a moment of rob's murmurs² thanking us to be oh-so-faithful waiting for them (who were half an hour late), they blew our mind off with the hit tripoli from their debut self-titled album. and from that point onwards, songs after songs waving their beautiful sounds to the now bewitched audience. they played all of everyone's favourite songs from their second album blue screen life (my personal pleasure): XIY, bbtone, offline P.K., and of course the famous concrete sounds. when zach the bassist spelled the punch line of the lyrics, "anything i say to you is gonna come out wrong anyway..." everyone sang along and the bar was more alive than ever.

other tracks from the pinback album also filled the room: charborg, chaos engine, and the ultimately exquisitely relaxing loro. everyone nodded their heads, following the guitar melody, whispering the chorus and hummed along with rob and zach, "da da da dunna da da da." but the highlight of the gig was, of course, the illuminated penelope. the air suddenly seemed full of colours. it was almost like a dream.

take you to the forest
let you feel the raindrops falling down
seeping through your redscales
eliminate the faucet
eliminate the need for water
replace it with a safe shell
if they summon the rains now,
are you gonna rise?

several people swayed their bodies in the most intriguing of ways, yet this shows nothing but the fact that the band lived up to their reputation of the intricate indie pop genre they have been extensively acquinted. earlier this year their third full-length album, summer in abaddon, was praised by critics to be surprisingly satisfactory, considering their previous albums were already excellent. the tour gig was about promoting this album, naturally, that after several first hits they played the feel-good non photo blue, the dark fortress and a couple of other songs that mark the latter album's next-to-perfection.

i found all of this funny, however, as the band was formed by their mutual love of video games and sci-fi.

their last song, if i'm not mistaken, syracruse, was simply amazing, until zach unintendedly ragged the last string of his bass about a minute before the song ended. the rest of the band continued, and the audience was wooing the incident. it was hillarious yet sad at the time, for now even though we would shout "we want more!" to the band, they would not be able to put a full band with no bass.

"i'm sorry guys, but we've been playing more than we're supposed to," rob crow finally came back on stage after they all left earlier. all of us kept wooing him. "okay whatever, i'll just do this dumb thing. well, not exactly dumb, but..." he trailed his words while picking up his guitar and did an acoustic session for one song, of which none of us had heard before and he referred to as 'dumb', but really, 'refined' is a more accurate way to describe it, leaving me strayed from reality to the world of my imagination, pure and refined.

____________________
¹ "hi. we're the advantage and we're from california. this is our first song [insert song's title here]."
² maybe the genre indie should be renamed as the murmurs (which might include dream pop, considering the band's own genre)

of dreams

2004-11-18T03:17:00.000-08:00

i dream a lot lately.

i don't usually dream when i sleep, but somehow i dream all kinds of uncanny things these days. at night, at nap. on my bed, on the bus going downtown, during an 8.30 am class.

sometimes they are so bizarre i can't comprehend what they are about. another times they are so vivid i don't know whether they are just dreams or happen for real.

i now and then mix up my memory with my dreams. i tell my friend how the day before went elaborately until i finally realize i have been telling him about my dreams. yes it is creepy.

funerals, beaches, weddings, life in general. moose with sunglasses, two-tyred caravan with a rooftop, museum full of hats and batteries that you can also use as scissors. all sorts of eerie stuff. conversation that uses the phrases "mortgage repayments" and "kindred spirit" in one breathe. notebook that howls after midnight.

scenes that involve yours truly with people of his great importance and the unexpected future.

i won't go into further details. i haven't yet reached my extroversion pinnecal to confide everything that i sense or feel to, technically, the world.

but these dreams are disturbing. the truth blends with my dreams, and my dreams come to reality. the last time i had similar dream-related experience was around six years ago, when i had to juggle with life more than i used to. now, the busiest time of my life, these dreams come in regular basis. as if to remind me about the things i avoid thinking about. again. again. and again. in different forms. different storylines. different periods and length and topics.

i don't want to believe them. yet they lodged in my confused mind. i blame them for my lack of sleep. i also blame them for my baffling thoughts. it's not healthy, i know.

i need more coffee.

weird things happen

2004-11-17T01:24:00.000-08:00

when people say, "you have an unpredictable life ahead of you," they are not joking.

who knows how everything is going to turn out in the end? nothing is indisputable. nothing is definite. none. nada.

how are we supposed to go on with our chosen path? how do we expect what is going to come out? what made we think our plan will work as we thought it would? what made us so certain that something bad will happen? or won't happen?

it doesn't matter eventually anyway.

you just live it. and have some positive attitudes. put a smile and do whatever you have to do. as you get overwhelmed, rewind. repeat. reach the point when you just cannot take it anymore. rewind. repeat.

don't forget to put the smile.

along the path, weird things happen. you begin to question everything you believe in. you start to be a rebel out of the robotic you. the ordinary you. you probe your point of view and see from different perspectives. examine your life. look at the people around you. say hi. say goodbye. do things. undo things.

in the end, it doesn't matter anyway.

but you keep going. you look at your feet as you walk forward. tap. tap. tap. tap. make sure you avoid obstacles or you might as well face it right up front. get everything done. rewind, repeat.

"the more i know you the more i feel like i know nothing about you, mil."

maybe they are right. maybe i do need to change. maybe i don't.

weird things happen. good, bad. as it goes, feel stressed, feel happy. be composed, be unsettled. get overwhelmed. be nice to people. be honest and have a great time getting through what is ahead. be random and do not care. do not frown. you can put a tired look, or a surprised look, or a fake smile but do not frown. never.

for now, you just face it. have your coffee mug ready, have your medicine capsules ready. and face it. sure, it's unpredictable.

but it doesn't matter in the end anyway.

sorry everybody

2004-11-07T19:50:00.000-08:00

i think it's a clever idea. the message is clear, and they're not pretending to represent everybody. just the other half.

www.sorryeverybody.com

no, we don't hate you guys. we only hate half of you. i'm sorry, too.

just when i thought it's all perfect

2004-10-30T13:30:00.000-07:00

this morning i found a post-it note in front of my door. it says:

emil,
can you please do your dishes? or load the dishwasher.
thank you
scott

the day couldn't be started in a better way.

¡feliz cumpleaños a mí!
_____________________________

update (october 31st):

yesterday turns out to be the most memorable birthday bash i've had since ages. the best part was, of course, the fact that i wasn't expecting anything in particular to happen. but people were simply amazing. and for that, i thank them. :)

last friday

2004-10-25T21:24:00.000-07:00

"so what do you want to have for dinner?"

"uhm.. i'm still not sure," i replied while looking around the place, "i'm kinda saving my money lately. this is actually a bit unexpected. i was planning to have it at home, really, so i won't really have to spend much—"

he glared at me.

"what?" i glared back, "i know, it's a bit too late now. okay. i'll get the regular chinese combo." i paused, "as usual."

all of a sudden he smiled and said, "how about we go out of this building, go to that vietnamese restaurant at yates—what's the name? saigon night?—and have a little fiesta?"

i stared blankly.

"it's on me." he grinned.

"what?"

"on me," he repeated. "your birthday's coming soon, right?"

"but it's not until like next week!"

"so?" he replied and shrugged, "i'm too lazy to actually buy you a present or whatever, and i bet soon i'll forget when it will be anyway. so why not celebrate it now?"

"but—"

"don't 'but' me. it's a yes or no question. and let me tell you something. when someone's offering you a treat," he paused and grinned again, "especially from an ass like me, you better take yes for an answer or you'll regret it later, cause it's a once in a blue moon thing."

i laughed at this and trailed my words, "well..."

"well?"

"dude, you're definitely da bomb! how 'bout if we catch a movie afterwards?" i said. "on you." i added.
_____________________________

still have 5 days down the road, and now should be the perfect time to show you my wishlist. just so that you can prepare. ;)

2004-10-19T22:57:00.000-07:00

"LIVE LIFE AS IF YOU'RE MAKING LOVE TO IT"

-- Steven Canning

ost - my life [part 8]

2004-10-19T22:51:00.000-07:00

past parts: one, two, three, four, five, six, and seven. and for the sake of my life, here are the rest (but surely not the last):

141. the scene of her getting up and dance around the room: elefant - make up

142. the scene when i try really hard to sleep but insomnia wins: yo la tengo - don't have to be sad

143. the ultimate scene: frou frou - let go

144. the scene when i lie on my bed in the morning, with disappointment and regret collide: death cab for cutie - title and registration

145. the scene in between the mist: black box recorder - the facts of life

146. the scene when, well, the title's pretty self-explanatory: de-phazz - time slips

147. the drizzle scene: sondre lerche - dead passengers

148. the scene when i'm being really sarcastic: pulp - lipgloss

149. the pop continental scene: the sea and cake - the argument

150. the sorry scene: franz ferdinand - tell her tonight

151. the scene when i dream of dreaming: interpol - stella was a driver and she was always down

152. the absurd french indie scene: the stills - retour a vega

153. the scene when everything is illuminated: orbital - adnan's

154. the scene when blue is red is yellow: royksopp - sparks

155. the coffee-on-the-table-and-a-deep-conversation-in-the-cafe scene: infracom presents rejazz - swoundosophy

156. the scene when i'm on a meadow and the leaves fall all over me: the shins - new slang

157. the headache scene: pinback - X I Y

158. the scene when emil goes pop: phoenix - if i ever feel better

159. the cliched scene: stereophonics - maybe tomorrow

160. the scene of me dancing like i'm in love: elefant - tonight let's dance

the party is over and your life is waiting

2004-10-13T00:01:00.000-07:00

i look around and i thought, life has been good to me.

i wanted to say that autumn is my favourite season of the year, but i have always love other seasons as well, so it is unjust to put it that way. it is only natural for me to cherish this time, and so far october has been a very exhausting yet rewarding month. the stress, the projects, the headache, the fun, the craziness, all mixed and the first half of the month hasn't even come yet. i figure my journey will still have a long way to go. god knows what's going to happen. what i need is just a good preparation for the unexpected. both psysically and mentally.

being a pessimist isn't always fun. sometimes it's nice to have a positive attitude towards your own goals, values, and the future. make peace with yourself. be good and take everything merrily.

i've been struggling through a near-turmoil situation this past week, and it still continues. sure, the sidekicks are prolly the most enjoyable of all experiences, but it was a havoc nonetheless, and still is. yet somehow i managed to ignore that fact and just get through it.

yes, that explains my lack of writings.

and the more things get overwhelming, the more i realize how much i should be grateful for everything. not that i take things for granted, but it's just the recognition that life can't always be perfect and that what makes my life perfect.

in a way, of course.

i'm babbling too much. readers, just bear with me. it's all not over yet.

dim

2004-10-05T01:18:00.000-07:00

the weather today was foggy.

the weather has been foggy each morning the past weeks, but today it was all day long.

it was foggy in the morning when i woke up and gaze outside the window. it was foggy still three hours later when i locked the front door close and heading toward the bus stop. in the afternoon i saw everything much clearer because the sunlight staggered in between the mist, but it was foggy nonetheless.

in the evening the dense fog weathered everyone in and overcasted everything.

when i say dense, i mean dense. i was walking home around two hours ago and i couldn't see a thing within 5 meters. i could see shadows not too far, and i could tell what surrounds me, but i wasn't sure. i am familiar with the path i was taking, and if it wasn't because of that, i am probably still wandering on the street, slightly bored and severely confused thinking how on earth am i going to find my way home.

the leaves were covering the ground, too. the pavement that goes beside the road was full of brown leaves i couldn't see it clearly enough. i felt as if i was walking on floating leaves. and there was the fog. i couldn't see nothing but obscure shadows and dim lights from distant. it was almost surreal.

everything was illuminated.

the weather was foggy today, and so was my mind. everything was illuminated, and so was my mind.

and so is my mind.

i become sceptical. i don't feel my feelings. i can't comprehend things clearly. i know what i'm doing and at the same time i don't know. i don't trust my intuition. i do what i do and there's nothing to it.

i need a torch light. not really. i just need a better vision. to look forward, and walk straight ahead. step my feet onto the ground, and not floating on dead leaves. i need heavier shoes.

the weather was foggy, my mind was foggy, and i had to make sure that i chose the right path.

i'm not sure about things. i hate someone who turns out to be genuinely kind to me and later realized that i'm the one who's supposed to be hated. i have many works to do and an exciting schedule waiting but i don't feel overwhelmed nor excited.

when i walked home, a leave fell and i thought it was a flat rock falling in a slow-motion. the fog was so dense that's how my delusion worked at the moment. in real life, a car could crash on the interception near my house and i would pass by it and keep waiting for the bus to come.

when it's foggy outside, i put extra clothes on and walk slowly through the mist. when it's foggy inside, i need help. i don't want to be hazy all the time.

i want my life.

indecent exposure

2004-10-01T00:24:00.000-07:00

this might be a little alert for all of us, that even in the safest place on earth (or so i thought—definitely not anymore now) you can't just leaning on your rocker with a cup of coffee and forget about everything. you have to be cautious. because people are people, no matter where they are.

people are people. pervs are pervs.

what bother me most is the fact that this incident happened to one of my closest friends in here. fyi, she's not your typical too-dumb-to-be-true asian girl which you can find almost everywhere in this town. she has that sophisticated don't-fool-around-with-me-or-i'll-kick-your-butt look and style (and personality) which make her as your perfect partner to have a serious conversation with. apparently those aren't enough for some dick to stop being a jerk. so let's call her Liv, to protect her confidentiality. and let's call the dick Dick. for obvious reason.

Liv was walking to the campus on her own as usual one afternoon when a guy—Dick—in a white car approached her from the street side and ask for a help. Dick was said to be white, twentysomething-ish, hairy, tanned, and wearing an unbuttoned shirt. being kind as she is, Liv walked closer to the car trying to find out what do the guy need. and there it was. she finally saw it. the guy was exposing himself. no, he's not just exposing himself, the guy was jerking off with his cock out and pants down in the car.

before Liv could even comprehend what she's looking at, Dick laughed and said, "yeah, i kinda need some help" with the snobby i'm-so-hot-check-me-out kind of attitude.

"what the—"

"go suck my dick, bitch!"

"F*CK OFF!!!" Liv, of course, finally came to her sense, said that last line with dignity and a you're-a-pathetic-pervert-go-back to-the-shit-hole-where-you-belong look, and walked away. the guy laughed even harder and drove away immediately.

sadly, that's not the end of the story. later when she reported the incident to the campus security, she found out that that same guy had been doing the same sort of harassment around a nearby high school in the morning. and even worse, she's not the only one who have reported the case that day. just for the record, all victims are asian by race.

on one side, i cannot be grateful enough that as a guy i don't really have to worry much about being harassed. but on the other hand, it's really disturbing knowing that Liv was one of the victims. yes, victim, because even though he didn't touch her at all, he has succesfully affected her emotionally. that, and as well as knowing that he's not only been chasing highschoolers too, but also particularly asian females. because asians are dumb. easy to played fool with. piece-of-cake catch.

it's a good thing Liv's english is as good as a native, and she had the gut to defend herself with a nice finishing line. but most asians here are ESL students who sometimes need five minutes just to say "my name is..." and reply with "ya ya ya ya" everytime someone asks them something. let alone having the gut to shout the f-word outloud. and who could blame them? the whole incident is really intimidating even for, say, a guy, although for sure a guy would reply that kind of attitude with a fist.

as for Dick: go f*ck yourself and rot in hell.

they say, "it's going to be alright"

2004-09-28T21:42:00.000-07:00

you know the times when reality bites, and you just can't stand a single or some facts about something, so that you make believe of another thing from your imagination about what the perfect idea would be? you would be drawn into your utopian belief and you want it to happen so much, that eventually you would believe it as a fact. as if that is what actually happens. after a while, you can no longer draw that thin line between what is real and what's on your mind. your world is in your imagination. your mind is your life.

and you start to pretend about what's happening in your mind. facts are irrelevant.

it starts out with simple things. or ridiculous.

you're not photogenic. wrong. you're charming. take more self pictures.

you can't stand cold. wrong again. use short-sleeves when it's 10° outside.

sometimes it helps you a lot with building what you actually lack.

you suck at public speaking. no way jose, you're a natural. join a debate club.

you don't like reading about history. take two history courses.

other times, it would make you wonder what made you do things in the first place.

you hate economics. take that as a major.

you're awful at math. get a Bsc.

the truth is, most of the times, it's self-destructive.

you don't have enough sleep. stay up until 3am.

you're kind of short of money. not so. buy more things. spend more on entertainment.

you have to catch up with your readings. yes. read more novels. go online.

until the initial fact just dissapear by itself.

you have a lot of free times to spare. you can handle all the duties. a little bit of extra work won't do any harm. get involved more. it's okay to spend more and it's going to be worth it. you don't have to regret. enjoy your life. it's okay to treat yourself more often. go downtown. you can get all the A's that you want. stay up late. get up early. drink more coffee. you are not in a denial. inhale all the opportunities in front of you. you are great. you can do this. cook more. buy more. you're all that. people aren't mad at you. be kind to yourself. they understand. do it. do it. you are your mind. you don't regret. you are going to be what you dream to become. put more work. extend your study. there's no such thing as failure. do it. breathe. slack more. you are going to be alright.

and you have to stop for a moment, take a careful look at everything, and inhale. exhale.

take a tylenol. or two.

because you don't want to admit what you have done to yourself. because you still want to believe everything from your mind. because you're afraid if you stop believing all this you're imagination might as well collide. and you might not believe in yourself again. because you really want to blame someone, but you know that blaming yourself is not a smart step.

and not to stop doing this isn't either.

sort things out. put the ashes together. you might not going to have the original shape back, but at least you can make a pyramid out of it. it's not as beautiful as other shapes, but it's still a concrete shape. which is better than scattered dust.

apple

2004-09-21T02:10:00.000-07:00

it begins with the description of the perfect garden of eden, where adam and eve lived in a lush world—heaven, unaware with the distinction between good and evil. the story holds true in three main religions—Judaism, Christianity and Islam—although varies slightly in details and interpretation. adam and eve continued to live with their ignorance; they had no shame, no guilt, no sin. they were naked all of the time and they have no idea of sexual pleasure. they lived blissfully, and one fine day, eve—followed by adam—ate the forbidden fruit of knowledge, the apple, and hell broke loose. they began to feel embarassed being naked in front of each other, and their mind were filled with ideas of guilt, shame, and humiliation. God condemned them for their disobedient and threw them to the earth. adam's apple, if we can simplify, is what makes human human today.

different story unfolds different revelation. around 1200 BC, king priam heard an oracle about his future son who would be the cause of the fall of his kingdom. terrified, he asked one of his guards to abandon his newly-born babyboy in the jungle. the guard pitied the baby and decided to raise him himself in his hut just off the jungle. he named the baby paris. paris grew up to be a very strong, handsome and attractive man without knowing the fact that he's a prince. one day, the god hermes appeared out of nowhere holding an apple. following him were three divine godesses: hera, athene, and aphrodite. hermes asked paris to choose which of the three godesses is the most beautiful, and to then give the apple to the chosen one. long story short, paris finally gave the apple to aphrodite, humiliating the two other godesses and fired up their rage and jealousy. when paris got back to the kingdom as a prince, stole helen of sparta to troy and started the trojan war, it was hera and athene who made sure that the greeks were on the winning side. aphrodite was lost, troy was lost, and paris was dead.

now remember your childhood. remember the story of snow white. how the queen had wished for a daughter as white as snow, as red as blood, and as black as an ebony frame. how she finally labored the daughter she had wished for. and by the time the daughter—snow-white, as she's been called— had her seventh birthday, the queen didn't get the same answer from the mirror when she asked, "mirror, mirror, on the wall, who in this land is fairest of all?" the queen was outraged to find her daughter surpassed her beauty, and, surprisingly similar to the story of paris, threw snow white to the jungle. but she was saved by the seven dwarfs. the queen, of course, wasn't too happy when she found out, and thus tried to kill her daughter in various way to no avail. at last, she disguised herself as a peasant, poisoned a lucious red apple to be mixed with other apple, ate half of it and gave the other half to snow white, who innocently took a bite until she's finally dead—at least until the prince find her.

apple. temptation. evil. apple is a figurative of temptation, and this implies its use as an allegory of evil.

an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

i mean, who would blame the doctor?

a note to myself

2004-09-20T01:42:00.000-07:00

when you open the door of your room, turn on the heater, step into the whole mess with plenty of works to do, books to read, things to be organized and dinner to be cooked, but find yourself just sit on the sofa doing nothing for the next half an hour, then you start to feel sorry for yourself.

because you just realize that your life isn't all that interesting. or comforting.

not when you can hear the "uh uh" panting over and over again clearly from the room next door.

not when your new foul-mouthed roommate keeps ranting about his shitty job and his used-to-be-happy life nonstop after you greet him "how's your day?" on your way to the kitchen.

or when you find your white shirts splattered with stains right after you take them out from the washing machine.

really, when you find the light outside is still gleaming brightly at one in the morning and shines through your window while you're trying to get some sleep,

and when you wake up the next morning humming a song you find a big fat bald stranger sleeping and snoring on the living room's couch,

then you would definitely feel sorry for yourself.

because you know that you've made the mistakes yourself. the big part of the problems is you. you chose to be like this. because you know you can change it but you just don't. for some lame reasons. invalids.

and you know, that when you keep listening to portishead and bjork and radiohead and supreme beings of leisure, it is not going to change the weather outside.

because the problem is you.

which makes you as the only person who can change everything.

and maybe, dear you, you can start by stop feeling sorry for yourself.

some kind of a revelation

2004-09-15T00:46:00.000-07:00

the bus hadn't come yet.

the street was almost deserted. i looked around. a car passing by. the name placard's light of a shop across the street kept blinking. turned on. blink. it says computers n stuff. blink. blink. turned off. the drizzle hadn't stop yet. i looked to my left. an advertisement on the busstop's side—bright yellow, with a picture of a shopping bag full of stuff at the center and a line below it that says we write the book on 'go back to school'. hillside.—has a childish handwriting all over it. it says 'fuckism'.

i sat still and waited. the drizzle hadn't stop. the bus hadn't come yet.

i gazed down, looking at my shoes. i noticed near the stop's console was an earthworm. long and slender, curling. moving back. moving forth. head up. head down. tail up. tail down. left. coiled up. right. coiled down. searching. searching. there's a cigarette-butt next to it. the worm crossed on top of it. made a circle. i could almost heard it hissing. moving forth. moving back. closer. inch by inch. little by little. shrinking. curling again. left. head up. loving the rain, swarming the ground. head down. the bus hadn't come yet.

ten eleven. a guy with a skateboard passed by in front, listening blissfully to his headphone. the placard across kept blinking. not far, a hooded person wearing black baggy sweats and a black baggy jeans walked toward the busstop. checked the bus schedule, and beamed at my direction. i took a closer look at the eyes. the person's a she. probably a highschooler.

"do you know what time it is?" there's a big gap between her front teeth.

i startled for a bit, and took a look at my watch. "uhm, it's ten thirteen."

"okay." she stared blankly, and after a minute or so of gazing to the street, she took a seat beside me.

silence. the drizzle hadn't stop yet.

i began to feel impatient. i sat still and waited. thirty seconds. two minutes. five minutes. seven minutes. seven minutes and forty two seconds. i looked again and again at my watch. the earthworm was still beside the console. the wind was blowing harder. it's colder than it ought to be in this time of the year. i zipped up my jacket and gazed at the street, again.

"do you know what time 28 is supposed to come?"

"twenty eight? i'm not sure. if i'm not mistaken it's ten— lemme..." she stood up and tried to check the schedule again. i hesitated and stood up too.

"that's fine, i'll check it myself," and headed to the schedule, skimming the time table. "oh, it's ten twenty one. it should be here in a minute." i said wearily.

"yeap. there it is," she pointed to the bus which was heading toward us.

"oh, thank god."

"yeah, i know. my house is only like a couple of blocks away but you're just too tired to walk, you know? especially when life' been treating you like shit. not that i'm a slacker or anything, but it's like, right now i just want to go straight home, take a shower and go to bed. you know? that's what you get when you haven't had any sleep in a couple of days."

i opened my mouth, but then closed it again, and let out a weak "uh huh" as a reply. the bus halted exactly in front of us. the door opened. she stepped at the earthworm and went inside. the earthworm's dead. i was heading home.

ost - my life [part 7]

2004-09-14T06:22:00.000-07:00

because my life is so full of soundtracks nowadays. even more than previous parts: part one, two, three, four, five, and six.

121. the scene of me making a banner for an event: death cab for cutie - expo '86

122. the scene when she touch me (or i touch her): dublex inc. feat. barbara - tocame

123. the scene when the boy kills his curiosity: black box recorder - the facts of life (jarvis cocker and chocolate layers remix)

124. the scene when i feel, uhm, empty?: ten 2 five - kosong

125. the scene when i have a very strong present feeling: birdie - the original strand

126. the scene of me lying on my bed thinking about all the less-than-beautiful thoughts concerning my life: esthero - swallow me

127. the scene when she asks me to stay but she wants to get away: the wrens - hopeless

128. the scene when everything seems to be uplifting: nuspirit helsinki - skydive

129. the scene when the night is unusually welcoming: kings of convenience - i'd rather dance with you

130. the festive scene: de-phazz - the mambo craze

131. the scene when i wonder who shot john f. kennedy: the postal service - sleeping in

132. the scene when i'm in one of those blue august day: bebel gilberto - august day song

133. the scene of me gazing upon the green scenery: st. etienne - woodcabin

134. the confused scene: bjork - who is it

135. the scene when i almost fall asleep: flunk - your koolest smile

136. the scene when i keep trying, swirariroyo: bunglon - keep on moving

137. the scene when i can't get enough of that first kiss: they might be giants - another first kiss

138. the scene when i can't get enough of that last kiss: ivy - one more last kiss

139. the scene of me in the city by day: nicola conte feat. barbara de dominics - love me 'til sunday

140. the scene when i open up my heart: wei chi - heaven

desired shelter

2004-09-13T13:19:00.000-07:00

last days were the hardest, of course. especially because i knew that those prolly be the last time i feel the security for years thereafter. i tried to face upon it casually, and i half-succeeded. half, because that's exactly what i did when i was still surrounded by my significant others, saying all the cumbersome goodbyes. okay, so i won't be back for a couple of years, what's the big deal? nothing matters much, i thought.

then i had that painstakingly butt-numbing journey—7 hours flight to tokyo, 10 hours waiting in narita airport, 11 hours flight to vancouver, and another 3 hours before i arrived at victoria's airport—took a cab and entered my house, my room, my sanctuary. and my heart—swear to god, i could feel it—twitched a little bit. this is what i had been expecting. i dreamed of coming back to the place, as much as i hoped i won't leave my hometown again. yet, now that i stand on it, that dream shattered from my thought. just like that.

so what's new with victoria?

nothing.

same old, same old. i couldn't believe it. this place is exactly how it was when i first arrived a year ago. yes, some things change; like, now there's an alarm in my house (of which i have to enter a pin code after i open the front door), and i have a new roommate, and there's a new medical science building on my campus, new bus schedule, and so on and so forth. but those are practically insignificant, when every other thing stays the same. i come back to my old routine, and i almost forgot that i had a two-month vacation. now it's been two weeks, and i feel as if i've been here for ages. that come-back trip, did it really happen?

it's almost an irony. i thought i was doomed to live in this place. yet, there's no other place on earth where i can feel any safer than here. if i can describe it, i'd say it's a boring heaven (and strangely it doesn't sound like an oxymoron). this place is perfect, yet you can't stop worrying about things. you can get anything you want here, yet i realize i have a problem with insecurity. i can't be any luckier than now, living here. this place is your perfect lush prairie and your perfect confined prison.

but just like what bjork hums on the mouth's cradle, "i need a shelter to build an altar away from all osamas and bushes." and if i have found that shelter, well, who am i to complain?

seven levels of despair

2004-09-09T11:43:00.000-07:00

the search each morning
to find the scraps
with which to survive another day

the knowledge on waking
that in this legal wilderness
no right exists

the experience over the years
of nothing getting better
only worse

the humiliation of being able
to change almost nothing
and of seizing upon the almost
which then leads to another impasse

the listening to a thousand promises
which pass inexorably
beside you and yours

the example of those who resist
being bombarded to dust

the weight of your own killed
a weight which closes
innocence for ever
because they are so many

[john berger, france, 14 october 2001]

      a remembrance to those who became the victims of 9/11, of the war in iraq,
      of bali blast '02, of jw marriott blast '03, and of the recent kuningan blast '04
      because we don't understand
      why the despair
      continues

breaking news

2004-07-31T13:06:00.000-07:00

apparently time flies faster in jakarta.

and to update my blog becomes one hard thing to do. back in victoria my room was my palace; hence, my desk was the throne—the place where i spend most of my spare time. but here, i have to redefine my definition of 'spare time' and find it harder to even put my ass in front of the computer. i actually have to put a lot of effort—one thing i didn't need before.

so i thought: heck, why not as well have a break?

at first i was going to use the word hiatus, but the word scares me; i'd rather use a simpler word. and here's the official announcement: i'm having an indefinite break—at least until i get back to victoria. as much as i hate to do this and miss writing here an awful lot, what jakarta (and indonesia in general) offers is more appealing than spending my afternoon staring at the monitor for hours. especially when the time that i have is oh-so-limited.

the break, then, begins now. ;)

a recap

2004-07-14T21:16:00.000-07:00

two freakin' weeks of no posts whatsoever.

god, no, i'm not gonna be one of those bloggers who irresponsibly just leave their blogs unnoticed—be it for a hiatus or for good. no, this blog isn't in a hiatus mood mode, just an i'm-sorry-i-have-been-very-busy-lately-i-haven't-got-the-time-to-do-something-with-it condition. go figure.

here's a thing: around a week ago, on my flight back (there you go)—or was it in the airport?—i had written some kind of a what's-up-with-my-life, uhm, should i say post, but stupid old me forgot to charge the notebook. so when the undesirable happened (read: the battery died), i lost my writing and went on strike at least until i settle down breathing the much-polluted air of my home city. as you can see, it doesn't really work that well.

but before i go any farther with that, maybe i should tell you what's what two weeks ago. that is, when i was still in canada.

july 1st: canada day. great, dazzling fireworks on victoria's inner harbour.

july 3rd: monique's wedding bash in vancouver. yes, she's married now and currently is in new york! i can't be more jealous. but her wedding was amazing, prolly because i helped arranging the hall, loading and unloading and messing things. (canda nique..) needless to say, she looked more beautiful—and happier—than ever. that ikhwan guy (read: the groom) is one damn lucky man, one thing for sure. best wishes for both of you in the future, alrighty nique? ;)

july 5th: the journey of the mind-exhausting, ass-numbing freakin' long flights started. the whole trip lasted for—gasp—30 and a half hours. it couldn't get any worse than that. until,

july 7th: jakarta.

that's where i'm writing now. and i still have six more weeks to spend my time here, in the gloomy, loveable old jakarta. and i think i have to spend it wisely. have a great day, folks.

jazzy bossa

2004-06-30T04:48:00.000-07:00

John Pizzarelli blew my pants off, ladies and gentlemen. he gave one helluva performance!! but before i go any further with that, i'll share about other artists i've been seeing.

sunday. there were also four free performances in the Market Square just like one day earlier, except that i skipped the first two shows by Jon Miller Quartet and Gnu Standards. (actually i catched a glimpse of Gnu's performance for a bit but i found them boring, so i hang around elsewhere until Sara showed up.) these last days have been unbelievably hot for canada; and since the venue is outdoor, through all the concerts i'm exposing myself for hours directly to the sun. the result? alerting sunburn. as in, very dark. reddish kinda dark. keling. but no matter, because these last days also have been the greatest moment i've spent in this city. so around 2.30 pm, Sara Marreiros Quartet was showing. accompanying Sara were one rhythm guitar, one bass and drums. being half-portuguese, Sara sings tunes from her country with a remarkable passion. she takes the lyrics seriously (which are in portuguese), while the mixed rhythm of brazilian tunes, portuguese melodic-pop, and jazz gives the chill out mood to the audience. very powerful vocal. her authentic way of performing is also a plus. no wonder she was also the opening act for Pizzarelli's concert last night, where she gave even a stronger and more passionate performance.

that chill out mood, however, was extended until the rest of the afternoon, thanks to what Perros Libre had performed (the band's name, which is in spanish, literally means 'free the dog'). four guitars—three acoustic, one rhythm—with two traditional drums and lotsa percussions guarantee their latin music as sophisticated as the mood they had created for the lazy afternoon. some of the songs are like the kind of instrumental music that you might have heard as a soundtrack for a movie—the soothing ones. it makes you just want to relax and stretch your leg a bit farther hoping someone might give you a free massage.

so there goes brazilian/portuguese tunes, latin, and here's another one: BossaYou, as the name says loud and clear, is a bossanova band. and undoubtedly, took my mind away. i catched them on stage yesterday; the singer's vocal is unique and his brother in the guitar is hypnotic. the other two members are in drums and bass. they opened their show with the sweet classic Aqua de Beber, which of course stole my attention right away. they seem to be heavily influenced by Bebel Gilberto's work, for they even performed the modified versions of two of her songs, August Day Song and Tanto Tempo without making them less appealing. the mix was luscious but still has a modern edge. catchy.

The loss for the last three days is a lot: Stacey Kent with her dazzling vocal, Montreal's sensational Bullfrog, Mexican Lhasa with her cabaret influence, Orchestra Natinale de Jazz big band from Paris, and Calexico's mix of jazz swagger, mexicali blues and electro-funk. and i'm gonna skip much more the next few days. but, again, no matter. because last night, i watched the concert of the greatest, baddest, illuminating jazz guitarist/vocalist on earth:

the mind-blowing John Pizzarelli!! (for you who don't know, he's the son of the legendary jazz guitarist Bucky Pizzarelli.) well, of course, with his band, so let's make that John Pizzarelli Trio. but that's not entirely true. sure, ever since the last ten years John has been accompanied by the remarkable pianist Ray Kennedy and his brother Martin Pizzarelli playing the bass (and the trio is the foundation of most of his records), but apparently the drumless trio has no longer been drumless this year, for they've recruited one more member as the drummer—my bad, i forgot his name (but i do remember John mentioned something about the drummer dating his sister). so it's now supposed to be a quartet. the concert is a part of Victoria's JazzFest, but it is also a program for the tourforf his latest album, Bossa Nova, which features Daniel Jobim—Antonio Carlos Jobim's grandson—as vocal, and he's the special guest for last night, which makes five of them and therefore should be named John Pizzarelli Quintet.

as such, the album is inspired a lot by Antonio Carlos and features classic bossa songs by him such as The Girl From Ipanema, Waters of March and One Note Samba. needless to say, i almost fell from the chair when those songs were played. but no, really. never before had i seen such an exceptionally talented musician live. John's guitar isn't supposed to be questioned at all, you just can't help but feeling awestruck. he could do this obscure thing, but amazing nonetheless, of wording his guitar rhythm in the same time as he plays it for an extended period—simply breathtaking. how on earth did he do that? this is the only concert in part of JazzFest that i'm willing to spend for the quite-expensive ticket, but i should say i've made the right choice. John isn't just a talented guitarist (and vocalist), but he's a true performer. the jokes that he threw between the songs weren't dry, and the way he explained the background of each song was plain hilarious. he also has this facial—and body—expression while playing his guitar that's inevitably amusing. don't even ask about the music. Ray Kennedy was totally on fire last night, i wonder how he managed not to burn his fingers off after playing the piano that exciting. they played total in that two hours time (one hour before them was Sara Marreiros Trio) without giving the audience a chance to feel disssapointed at all. charming. simply put, they kick ass!!!

it's all well worth the ticket, the time, and the hassle. as you might have noticed, all of these artists are somewhat related to the brazilian bossa nova. the music of the year? maybe it's just me, but i think the euphoria isn't exagerated. you simply wouldn't get bored with the tunes. sophisticated, chill out, jazzy, groovy.

the festive spirit

2004-06-27T03:02:00.000-07:00

summertime in victoria means festival time. warm sun, cool breeze, tourists-packed, groovin' (and the occasional annoying) music, lotsa cool (and the occasional dull) performances, funky (and the occasional bulky) crafts, and good (and the occasional ripoff) food. oh, and of course, good time. no exception for that one.

that being said, JazzFest is the foremost reason of it. even though the event isn't as big as other cities' own JazzFest across the country, it was the trendsetter and is among the raunchiests of all. and for a city the size of victoria, the event is BIG—with capital letters. enough local contributors, enough canadian artists, and enough across-the-globe musicians.

so i went to see the free performances at the Market Square. started at noon, i arrived around 1 o'clock so i missed the first performance by the highly-appraised Damiam Graham Trio. But came along the next show by the Flying Saucers—four old men playing guitar, bass, drums, clarinet and saxophone, delivering pre-50's blues rhythm and swing style tunes inspired by the big bands era. sounds boring? then you don't understand why they call it the good ol' days. hear them and you might find yourself humming—and dancing—along. the crowd wasn't just the grannies, and i'm thankful for that. of course, the seniors were there too, but they also attract lots of swing-driven jazz lovers from various age groups (and that includes me), and the parrots. that's right, parrots. as in the birds.

one kickin' hour and it's time for the group who stole the show, the Budapest-based Besh o droM. (maybe alaya knows them? =P) the place was suddenly packed, and full with groove. the band has 8 people playing 2 saxophones, a (rockin') trumpet, 2 drums, a bass, a guitar, percussions, and one obscure-looking instrument i don't even know what it's called. but this wasn't the real shocker—at least for me. for me, the shocker was their first song ('piece', as they call it), which, i swear to God, has the same rhythm with one of indonesia's most famous folk songs: *drumrolls* kopi dangdut! except that they were so good and talented that the music doesn't sound like dangdut at all, but instead it was kinda like a mixture of the 60's french electro-jazz music with the hand-clapping, feet-tapping and belly-shaking mediterranean cocktail tunes. for their next songs—uhm, pieces—the ethnic yet funky band kept their balkan-ish gypsy music fabulously jazzy. groovy.

curious, i finally put the courage to approach them and ask about their music influences. i talked to the lead-saxophonist (his performance was amazing, by the way), said that i really enjoy their music and that their first song is similar with a very popular song in indonesia. "our first song? you mean the first piece that we played? in where?" he asked. "indonesia," i repeated. "really?" "yeah. and so i thought maybe you were also influenced by asian music other than the middle easterns," i explained. he looked perplexed for a second and finally said, "but that music is originally from romania."

oh. kay.

i missed the first half of the next performer, the German Youth Orchestra or the Landes Jugend Jazz orchester Hessen because i had to wait for my friend who were coming from vancouver but turned out to be really late. but that's another story. anyway, i catched up for the latter half, finding about 20 people in a big band—from germany, as the name suggests— playing mainstream jazz music as what it should be (three quarter of wind section and the rest is rhythm section). very entertaining, i wish i watched them since the beginning. but they're not the biggest lost of the day, however. for that goes to the Jaga Jazzist who performed the night before and the sultry, Oslo-based Beady Belle (damn!) who performed later in the evening. while i know the former beforehand that they're gonna be really good, i hadn't heard about the latter until when the staff played their record in-between the shows. nu-jazz hip combined with funk and drum 'n bass. i was strucked. they're G.O.O.D. (lan, if you like Bebel Gilberto you'll love Beady Belle). if only they lower their ticket price...

and so i went to the FolkFest afterward, but i'll share the story later on. i just realized i've written one freakin' long post, eh?

fahrenheit spree

2004-06-26T02:27:00.000-07:00

and after the buzz that has been going on for quite a while, this controversy is finally released ~~today~~ yesterday in theatres across north america. i went to watch it for the 7:15pm show and really was lucky to get the ticket because it was almost sold out. in the theatre groups of people had to scatter around because the theatre was so packed, it's almost impossible to find empty seats. by the time we finished the movie, i found out that the 9.30pm show was also sold out and people were lining up in a 2-block queue. two blocks! i couldn't believe it. and keep in mind that this is in a small city somewhere on the west coast of canada. not surprisingly, the response is even more euphoric in the home country. call it the timing (election is coming soon), call it the grief-effect, or whatever you like. but moore has done a great job with his documentary in turning theatres into political arenas (as what the media reports).

which makes me wonder.. what would happen if some indonesian filmmakers doing a documentary about indonesian elites? you know, the kind that would dishing the dirts off our bureaucracies, policies and whatnot. highly unlikely, for sure, and prolly it'll do nothing but to create more troubles. but i just can't help to imagine how the reaction would goes...

the bedroom

2004-06-23T19:40:00.000-07:00

am lately into details. call it the nothing-better-to-do syndrome. .

let's see, first of all, obviously the bed. the blanket covers only half of it, and the pillows are on the carpet floor. i barely use the blanket lately, though. the nights are getting hotter. no, we don't use fans, let alone air conditioners. then, the bedside table, bought it at a garage sale for a pretty good deal. what's on it? a severely-damaged alarm clock due to excessive banging (i don't do mornings), a glass of water, my discman being charged, a box of tissue and my current read (michael chabon's the amazing adventure of kavalier and clay). in the right side is the hall tree, with a raincoat, 3 jackets, 2 hats, and a belt hanging. next to it is the bookshelf. on top are another tissue box, coins, a mug-to-go, and my passport wallet (what is it doing over there?). in it, needless to say are my books and my CD collections, along with empty cases, blank CDs and my old agenda. then, on the left side next to it, my desk.

this desk. my palace for most of the time. piles of papers, inside and out of thin and painstakingly thick folders. a table lamp. two small drawers full of batteries, stapless, keys and whatnot. packs of small paper notes and push pins. post-it notes with different sizes and loads of office supplies (puncher, scissors, cutter, stapler and the like). numerous pens, pencils, markers and hiliters, working or not. more of my CD collections. two pocket dictionaries. calculators. photos. notes all over the desk. my CD case to-go. on top are table clock, uncountable pennies and dimes, a ruler kit, more CD cases, a pack of kopikos (hey, they sell it at the supermarket!), textbooks and coursepacks. back below, two other mugs (one is filled with recipes), a bottle of mineral water, a bottle of nestea, more pens, more coins, more papers, phonecards, a jazzfest brochure, an empty plate (i just had my dinner) and of course, my lifesaver, my second girlfriend, my notebook. on the wall of my desk is a noteboard which, of course, is full of notes and pin-ups and postcards. while below are my notebook's suitcase, 2 modems, a trash bin and 4 big folders full of files and more papers. and the desk chair.

opposite of the desk is the closet (it's part of the wall) which of course contains nothing but a whole mess of plastic bags, boxes, bags, my clothes and other things that you might or you might not want to know. heck, i even put my medicines inside. next to it is the comfy, daily-used sofa. single sitted, i also got it from a garage sale with a very low price (but hey, it's a really nice sofa!!). then a folding tray table, where a bottle of vitamins, next term's calendar, a style manual, my wallet, even more coins, the house keys, some book markers and my student ID lay. near the door is my laundry bucket, full of clothes fresh out of the washing machine waiting to be folded. i hate that one. and finally, the shoe-rack. wait, the wall. four posters, one incubus, one john mayer, one ministry of sound and one trainspotting. one 4-month wall planner. and a mirror. there.

phew! listing all of these was a hard work. i'm sweating! i definitely have nothing better to do. [update: i just realized after re-reading it that i use the words of course a lot. i'm not sure what makes me think you'd known what my bedroom looks like.]

trivia of the day

2004-06-18T14:07:00.000-07:00

type the words miserable failure as a search query at google. it will lead you to this particular site.

but hold your laugh. the second and the third results, respectively, lead you to the biography pages of jimmy carter and michael moore.

seems like the googlebombing war has begun. for more information, click at the fourth and the sixth results.

ost - my life [part 6]

2004-06-17T23:50:00.000-07:00

i thought i'd do this thing again. it's been awhile. for previous parts: part one, two, three, four, and five.

101. the scene of me longing for a lazy afternoon: death cab for cutie - title track

102. the scene when i wish i'm somewhere in brazil: helena - morrer nos seus bracos (remix by de-phazz)

103. the most important scene: gaelle - falling

104. the scene when tomorrow is blur: erlend oye with mr. velcro fastner - symptom of disease

105. the scene when i'm strolling at the harbour after sunset: metropolitan jazz affair - yunowhathislifeez (jazz mix)

106. the scene where i'm in a 70's style lounge: stateless - fall into you

107. the scene when i will never lose my melody: zuco 103 - treasure

108. the scene when the grass is in its greenest state: bebel gilberto - all around

109. the scene when i'm dealing with those snobby kids: ben folds - there's always someone cooler than you

110. the scene when she doesn't love me, not like i want her to: ivy - lucy doesn't love you

111. the scene of me experiencing a not-so-pleasant entoptic phenomenon: lamb - sugar 5

112. the round scene: eddie brickel - circle

113. the scene when i don't know what i've done: blur - beetlebum

114. the scene when i can see things clearly in between the fog: astrud gilberto - here's that rainy day (koop remix)

115. the scene of me stargazing: soulstice - andromeda

116. the scene of me trying to put on shapes and colors to a blank canvas: jack tripper - evening star

117. the scene when i don't want to go out from my room: central living - inside

118. the scene when i'm in a cheap mood (and i mean cheap): moving units - between us and them

119. the scene when everybody's whistling: frankie knuckles - the whistle song (sound factor)

120. the scene when i don't give a damn of what people would think of me: leon ware - what's your name

shrieking affliction

2004-06-13T03:10:00.000-07:00

on the verge of my patience. my sanity. my rationality. my productivity. my prudence.

time, more often than not, contradicts the reality. not too long ago i realized one thing: time flies. i'll be home in no time. after what seems like forever, it sure was an enlightenment. a relief. a consolation. except that it prolly was a wishful thinking, more or less. i forgot how time, especially near the end, move slower than a snail. sometimes it goes so slow that i thought it's moving backward.

am listening to old records. it doesn't help a single bit, i just figured. one thing, it only makes you want to scream until your throat sore. i wish i could—if it isn't 3am i definitely would. i almost feel that i'm having a nervous breakdown. am in the mood of smashing and throwing things. maybe banging my head would be nice. mess up the whole house. oh yes, sir. destructive? impulsive? doesn't sound like me? well, you're wrong. i just found out that i actually am a minute ago.

instead, though, i did the exact opposite. i cleaned everything up. rearranged my CDs and books. filing past lecture notes. folding my piled-up laundry. took the vacuum cleaner to my room and sucked all the dust on every corner. i practically did everything except the dishes. i blame it on my jitters. the depression has come to my nerves, i suppose.

crap. i totally need a change. my life is simply too boring. too ordinary, indifferent, freakin' predictable. unworthy might be the right word.

god, have mercy on me.

concerning details

2004-06-11T15:42:00.000-07:00

the wall at the back of my refrigerator has yellow stains.
there's a splinter at the front-left leg of one of the breakfast chairs.
the tile pattern of the kitchen floor has five different colors.
i have a six-month-old chicken sausage in the corner of my fridge.
scott doesn't have a proper pel (what's that word in english?) cloth.
scott only has one small water bucket (i.e. ember).
the framed affirmation that scott hang on the kitchen wall, 'a clean house is a sign of a misspent life!', is askew.
we keep too many plastic bags under the kitchen sink.
there are four kitty toys scattered around the house.
scott's girlfriend's homemade strawberry-topped cheesecake tastes good.

all of these i've just noticed yesterday—despite the fact that i've lived here for almost 10 months—when i had to turn my fridge off for a day to melt the freezer's troublesome ice.

funny, isn't it, how we cease to notice the details of daily things around us until something bad happens and you need to clean all the mess up.

you don't want fries with that

2004-06-09T14:27:00.000-07:00

remember the last time i rant about fast food? well, i finally had the chance to watch the documentary that i've mentioned, super size me, yesterday. and if it has any effect on me, it does nothing but justifying my belief on fast food. i.e. it will only make your body crumple and fall apart. watching spurlock (the director/producer/guinea pig of the movie) eat and drink nothing but anything in mcdonald's menu three times a day for 30 days is like watching a movie about a person commiting suicide. really. he only held to 3 simple rules:

1. no options, he could only eat and drink what was available over the counter (water included)
2. no supersizing unless offered (he was offered 8 times, 5 of them were when he's in texas; he puked more than once, too)
3. no excuses, he had to eat every item on the menu at least once

and at the end of the movie he'd gained more than 25 lbs (it took me 8 months to lose as much weight) and doubled the chance to get almost every cholesterol-related disease. he had short breathe, got tired easily, sex life went down, you name it. extreme? yes. but that's what you'll get if you continue to eat fast food for years. once you get diabetes, it will cut 17-27 years of your potential life. sounds unpromising to me.

all i can say is, i'm just glad we indonesian don't eat fast food that much. home meal is definitely much better and yummier!!

random clicks

2004-06-05T12:24:00.000-07:00

1. feeling politically uproared lately? stressed out and need some game for refreshment? have at least an hour to spare during your lazy afternoon? check out the anti-Bush online adventure. despite of becoming a john kerry campaign at the end of the game (d-uh), the game reveals some facts behind bush's tax cut, as you might have known already, to say the least. you've never seen a flash game quite like this, which can only be experienced, not described. (warning: not suitable for minors and bigots)

2. curious on your blog's rank according to google? have some calculus with the calculator.

3. remember that simple-yet-stylish Vans slip-ons from the 60's? well, now you can have your own customly-made pairs with 20 colors and patterns to choose and applied to 8 different parts of the shoes, for just $50, at Vans Customs. on a slightly-more-expensive note, you too can have a design-your-own sneakers and bags at Nike ID.

temperature rising

2004-06-04T18:59:00.000-07:00

well hello, summer!

last week was full of rainy days and chilly wind, and guess what's the peak temperature for the last three days? almost 105° F! ain't it great? victoria has never been this hot.. at least for me. but that's only half true, however. mornings and nights here can still be considered as cool, for sometimes it still reaches below 50°. but during the day, it'd be such a waste to spend it inside—i always find myself looking for the sun lately, tanning my already too-tan skin tone (i.e., item). instead of taking the bus, for example, i prefer walking to my campus, despite that i actually can ride my bike. (and that, too, is only half true. the bike belong to my landlord, but he let me use it anyway.) with the helmet requirement and everything, riding a bike can be so cumbersome i just don't consider it as 'fun' anymore. and instead of prowling myself inside the library or student lounge to study, i prefer the green grass on the campus's center field as my desk. or, for some lazy afternoons, at the backyard of the house. with the occasional frisbee playing, excitement of upcoming events (jazzfest, 24 hrs run rally, parade, gulf island trip, jakarta) and the not-too-heavy workload, all in all life is good.

except for the awfully itchy and reddish rash that keeps bloating all over my skin, that is. it's awful—i don't know how on earth can i get that. i might blame the sun, but how come i've never had this kind of rash before? it isn't that bad, actually, eventually it'll dissapear by itself after about 2 or 3 hours. still, you might find it disturbing—and embarassing—to scratch your skin every 5 minutes for 3 freakin' hours, especially when you're in a crowd!

and as i've said, because it's still cold during morning and night, i always need to be jacket-ready everywhere i go. which can be agitating sometimes, for obvious reason. but hey, who am i to rant? this is far better than during winter—even spring—and surely i am obligated to cherish the season with that big grin of mine attached on my face. life is good.

you have to excuse my ramblings. i'm in the summer mood, so you can't blame me too much. it's been a while since the last time i post something here, eh? to be honest i kinda miss it. i've been busy enjoying summer, i guess. *grin* but of course, now all the heavy readings and exams for my summer course have passed (i only have one class left), i have more than enough time to start filling up this blog with, uhm, more of my rants. :) have a groovin' weekend, folks!

notification

2004-05-22T15:37:00.000-07:00

due to external considerations, i'm putting this blog into a temporary break at least until the first week of june.
my apology and gratitude to all blogwalkers.
in the mean time, have a great week ahead. :)

beached

2004-05-19T16:40:00.000-07:00

i still believe in paradise, but now at least i know it's not some place you could look for.
because it's not where you go, it's how you feel for moments in your life.
and if you find that moment, it lasts forever.

// angelo badalamenti // orbital //

the Odyssey

2004-05-16T19:02:00.000-07:00

i dreamed of becoming Odysseus.

i have just watched this movie last night. aside from my opinion about the movie and the slight alteration of the story (and history), it inspires me to imagine the life of Odysseus.

i mean, who wouldn't want to be the son of Laertes from Ithaca, fighting with fellow Achaians for 10 years in the Trojan war and come up with the idea to build a wooden horse in order to break into the city just to burn it and have a quarrel with Ajax over Achilleus' armour and spend another decade to come home which at first start off with 12 ships but during the great journey has to sack and plunder the city of Ismarus so the Cicones can launch a counter-attack, nearly tricked to eat the lotus that can induce a memory-loss, find a way to be able to escape from the man-eating cyclop Polyphemus son of Poseidon and thus cursed in the sea by the father, meet Aelous the lord of the winds, land at Telepylus and forfeit the chance of being eaten by Antiphates the Laestrygonian chef, risk the danger of being turned into a pig but instead charm the Circe and stay with her for a whole year, go to the Land of Perpetual Mist and enter the house of Hades ruler of the Underworld to speak with the soul of mother Anticleia and find an oracle from Teiresias yet also deppresed to see the sufferings of the dead sinners, listen to the deadful songs of the Sirens, sacrifice the sailors to be eaten by the six-headed beast Skylla, being cursed again by Hyperion for eating his cattles at the Sun God's island so at the end being the sole survivor from the ship wreck, cling to a piece of wood for days in the sea and almost get swallowed by the Charybdis whirlpool, washed up to the island of Ogygia and stay there for seven years with the company of Calypso's love, nearly drowned in a storm and saved by the sea-nymph Ino, creep to the Scheria helpless and naked but manage to take a peek at some girls bathing in the river and meet Nausicaa the daughter of the king of the Phaeacisians, receive noble service from the kingdom and hear the adultery gossip between Aphrodite and Ares trapped by Hephaestus in the Olympus from Demodocus before finally come to the homeland Ithaca but still have to disguised as a ragged beggar, stay in Eumaeus' hut, getting insults from the Suitors and compete with them to string the great bow of Odysseus so that at the end slaughter them and finally reunite with son Telemachus and wife Penelope even though still have to make peace with Poseidon the earth shaker and have another journey?

i wish modern life still embodies such passion and sense of adventure.

on my weight (again)

2004-05-12T19:49:00.000-07:00

here's an excerpt of monique's blog:

"...Emil dengan gaya anak kost-nya kupluk-kupluk dateng ke tempat kerjaan gw di *AP. ...Anywayz, gw kesian juga ngeliat Emil. Seperti yg gw udah tulis sebelumnya, Emil itu bener2 kayak anak kost. Kurus (he lost so much weight since I met him last!) and pretantang pretenteng bawa backpack..."

this is what my friend told me yesterday:

"hey, you know what? i just realized that you look a lot thinner than last semester. i mean, i know that you've been losing weight, you've told me. but just now i looked at you and i was like, whoaaa... you really are look different!"

another friend, today:

"lo tuh aneh deh mil, orang tuh berenti ngerokok biasanya beratnya nambah. kok elo malah jadi mengurus?"

and here's my post on my weight, 3 weeks ago.

okay, so i've been losing weight and i look thinner. and it seems that almost everybody has pointed that out. despite my confusion whether this is a good thing or not, let me explain my condition first. before i went to canada (i.e., august last year), i was a smoker and weighed around 62-65 kg. when i decided to call off my smoking habit, this was what my friend said, "hahaha... kayak lo bisa aja. pasti ntar kerjaannya makan mulu deh. ama makan permen. sama aja bo'ong mil, bukannya sehat malah gendut ama gingivitis." while this is my cousin's reaction when i told him i'm going to canada, "taruhan mil, pasti ntar kamu pulang-pulang beratnya nambah. makanannya yang greasy semua dan karna dingin pasti jadi pengen makan melulu."

it turns out to be quite a surprise that the exact opposite happens to me right now. the thing is, although i admit that my eating schedule has been, errr... irregular, i actually put a lot of concern over my health and choice of food. i spend a generous part of my budget solely for food, which means i don't just eat anything because it's cheaper than another. i eat fruits and vegetables regularly, rice almost everyday, perfectly balanced by protein sources, be it meat, fish, chicken, etc. i avoid fast food. i take vitamins religiously. juices, yoghurt, even milk. all in all, i'm taking care of myself.

...come to think of it, maybe that's the very reason why i've lost my weight. i have been too careful with my choice of food, that now i have a very unhealthy lifestyle (lack of sleep, irregular eating pattern, stress, you name it), the result isn't turn out to be as expected.

as of now, i'm just giggling thinking of reactions and comments people would say when i come back in 2 months. :)

vancouver recollection

2004-05-08T23:36:00.000-07:00

being a tourist for 3 days in vancouver has made me realize at least two things.

the first is that a refreshment is always crucial—especially after passing a hectic period of time—so no matter how shabby the condition that we face, it is important to make it as enjoyable as possible. we departed late due to a union strike. we stayed in a crappy hostel due to our budget constraint. we even have to tolerate the not-so-friendly weather on tuesday and the rain that kept pouring on wednesday morning. nonetheless, after we toured ourselves around, the initial disappointment lurked out and a refreshment is indeed what we got.

the second is how great the city really is. as my third encounter to the city, i found it surprising how little i've traveled around on my previous visits. so we decided to become real tourists by dropping by to almost all attractions that vancouver offers. our first destination, naturally, is the harbour centre tower—the tallest building in town—where we can go up to vancouver lookout! and have a 360° view around the city. although the day was very cloudy, we could still see as far as mount baker in the states (though not very clear) and an enthralling view of the burrard inlet with west and north vancouver in the background. we next drop by at canada place on harbour side. we didn't go inside (it's a cn imax theatre) since we too have a similar thing in victoria, but we at least could enjoy the harbour scenery, lonsdale quay and an excellent view of stanley park. before the night approached, we managed to go to gastown, the original block of vancouver. the place is famous for its steam clock—the first one in the world—and is the oldest part of the city, yet one of the most exciting. although what we can find there is the same as what we could find anywhere else—shops, cafes, restaurants and clubs—what makes them special is that they are placed in more-than-hundred-year-old buildings (the place was founded in 1867). by the time we left gastown, the weather didn't really permit us to go elsewhere, so we just strolled around downtown (without leaving out virgin megastore, of course).

the next morning was raining. dissapointed, we went into the public library until (hopefully) the rain stops. the library itself is a great place. we spent a lot of time there but the rain won't stop, so we just decided to go to stanley park anyway. thankfully the clouds cleared up around noon, and the sky was blue for the rest of the day. really, it was a great day to spend walking around the famous stanley park. being north america's third largest urban park, the park is located at the cape downtown vancouver and home to all kinds of attractions. the first place that we went was of course vancouver aquarium, now becoming one of my favorite spots i've ever seen. why? because the place really has a lot to offer. we spent a good 2 and a half hours wandering around the aquarium. we watched 4 outdoor shows: the dolphin, the sea lion, sea otters and, my favorite of all, beluga whales of the arctic. in fact these animals are the reason why i found the place is very attractive: the smiling mouth attached to their big white fat body. aside from that, the aquarium also have a section of amphibians, a section of the pacific canada, a section of the BC coast, a section of the tropic zone, and the most amazing, the amazon section. here, aside from just aquariums (which of course have the arapaima), they also build an imitation of the rainforest, included inside are anacondas, boas, sloths and even the birds. satisfied, we explored the rest of the park by foot (though only part of it, the park is huge!) wishing we have a camera in hand. at first we thought we could rent bicycles and have some ride around the park, but some parts of the seawall were renovated, so instead we just looked around brockton point where they have totem poles of the first nation people. our next destination was granville island. the island, which located on false creek just below the granville bridge, isn't really an island because it actually attached to the mainland. but it's an interesting site nonetheless, with lots of weird shops, artists' studios and restaurants to visit. the public market is a great place to have some free snack in the afternoon. from the ferry place, we could see the south part of downtown and if we want, we could take a ride using water taxis to yaletown marina, but due to our limited budget we decided not to. and so we spent the afternoon there until it's time for my friend to go back to victoria while i stay for another night. later in the evening, i met up with monique at her workplace in the pacific centre and she kindly accompanied me having dinner at tropika, an indonesian restaurant downtown. it's been so long since the last time i taste cah kangkung or even sate ayam and tahu isi with nasi uduk, that i couldn't control my drool when they arrived on our table. yes, i am that pathetic. too bad that was the only time we could meet up, we said goodbye in the skytrain on our way home.

and so finally came the last day. and that day i went to dr. sun yat sen classical chinese garden in the heart of the chinatown, just as i've planned before. the garden—the first full-scale classical garden constructed outside china—despite its lack of size, is a haven of serenity and has a long story behind it. it's amazing how a garden that small takes more than an hour tour full of explanation. before the tour started, we were advised to stroll around by ourselves and see it from our perspectives. what i saw was a beautiful chinese garden. after the tour, however, our view changed dramatically. the garden is now an extraordinary piece of man-made artwork full of not just aestethical, but also architectural, historical and spiritual value. and i felt mentally tranquilled. so, after having my heart refreshed, i didn't have many choices to go. of course there are still a lot of attractions around the city that i haven't visited yet: the museums, science world, capilano suspension bridge, grouse mountain, fort langley, other parks and gardens, etc. but i was running out of time as well as money, so i chose yaletown instead as my last place to visit before i go back to victoria. while it's basically just another part of the city, i found the marina is simply wonderful and the modern buildings are incredible. my dream place to live in. really.

pardon my excitement. this is the villager inside of me talking, mind you.

on a side note, one of two books that i've finished reading during my stay has become one of my favorite books: life of pi by yann martel. if anything, as the main character claims, the story will make you believe in God.

ost - my life [part 5]

2004-05-04T01:43:00.000-07:00

while i'm not really in the mood to write anything, the list is here to keep this blog updated. for previous lists, see: part one, part two, part three, and part four.

81. the scene when i'm drowning deeper: incognito - deep waters

82. the scene of me almost slip over when hiking at mount douglas: groove armada - edge hill

83. the highschool scene: john mayer - no such thing

84. the scene of me walking in a breezy friday afternoon: kings of convenience - toxic girl

85. the scene of me watching a girl with a bumblebee costume dancing: blind melon - no rain

86. the scene when i'm in a party and everyone's wearing funky clothes: incubus - are you in

87. the scene when i find the bitterness of life: portishead - it could be sweet

88. the scene of me entering a dark, soulless, no ambient kinda room: nina simone - black is the color of my true love's hair (jaffa remix)

89. the scene when everything seems like in slow motion: air - venus

90. the scene when i'm reminding myself that i'm always free: ben folds - protection

91. the scene of me inside a train looking outside the window: chemical brothers - star guitar

92. the scene of me reminiscing of my junior high school time: des'ree - you gotta be

93. the scene when i look down beneath the side river: dzihan and kamien - homebase

94. the scene when i need the convincement to do better on something: levitation - more than ever people

95. the scene when i want to live longer: lightning seeds - life's too short

96. the scene when i see the path from behind and keep tuning to the music: lake trout - burr (the man)

97. the scene of me gazing at the pouring rain through that broken window: brooklyn funk essentials - take the L train (to 8th avenue)

98. the scene when i'm one step closer to heaven: supreme beings of leisure - never the same

99. the scene when i stand by my faith : ben folds five - philosophy

100. the scene of a blast weekend in one straight shot: charles spencer and david harness - taboo jazz

> special thanks to wulan for the mp3s. see you guys on friday :)

to my old man

2004-04-29T09:22:00.000-07:00

i once despise him awfully, for he can't seem to release his anger on me, at any given time. i fear him nonetheless, for every bit of word voiced out of his mouth, those calm, cold and lucid sayings, is more than enough to set my heart in the guilt of a crime. he, whose great stories have amused me during my childhood, and still put me in awe today. he, whose wisdom has bring me back to reality every time i loosen my grip. he, whose credence has convey me this far, and still is most effective to induce my motivation. he, whose virtue never seems to decay, and has always train my lessons of life. he, who i look up upon, above everyone that i've known.

of his shadow, i am now living my life. of his philosophy, i put faith on what i believe in. of his trust, i build my experience. of his love, i stand here today, with the pride that i couldn't deny, a pride of being raised by one fine man. my true hero. my true idol.

happy birthday, yah.

stargazing

2004-04-27T00:18:00.000-07:00

"can you read the stars?"
"what do you mean?"
"well, do you know what's that constellation?"
"i do know that that one is venus."
"that's easy, everybody knows it. how about that one?"
"that's a satellite."
"how do you know?"
"well, it's bright, it's blinking and still. there, that's another one."
"are you saying that the other stars are moving?"
"well,—"
"hey, is that a shooting star?"
"no, that's a plane, stupid."
"oh."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"can we wish upon the star?"
"it's a plane."

our heroes

2004-04-24T01:00:00.000-07:00

fellow geeks, net-freaks and bloggers, meet the google guys.

i.e., our lifesavers.

i.e., the brains behind the arguably world's best search engine. the very people who could really make us travel all around the world while still feel at home by creating the closest thing the Web has to an ultimate answer machine. the computer-science geeks who transformed themselves into global superstars, named larry page and sergey brin. just recently they've made their way to be listed in Time magazine's 100 people who shaped our world, a list that credits people as ranging as john kerry to charlie kaufman to aung san suu kyi. earlier this year, along with fellow influential person j.k. rowling, they for the first time can refer themselves as two of the world's richest people, with their net $1.0 billion worth of fortune each, according to Forbes magazine. thanks to google.

some [did you know] on google:

that the name google derived from the word googol. what's a googol? it's a word coined by the nephew of american mathematician edward kassner, milton siretta, to refer to the number represented by the numeral 1 followed by 100 zeros. in other words, a freakin' large number.

that when larry and sergey knew each other for the first time at stanford in 1995, they weren't very fond to each other. a year later they created BackRub, the first version of today's google together.

that google's first data center was larry's dorm room. a few months later they moved to a new location: a friend's garage. included inside were a washer, a dryer and a hot tub.

that the first investment to google, a cheque worth $100,000, was sat in larry's drawer a couple of weeks before they finally deposited it. the reason was because when andy bechtolsheim, one of the founders of sun microsystems wrote the cheque, it was made out to Google Inc. and there was no such company. and that's the story of how the garage was transformed into an office in 1998.

that the beta label came off the website in 1999, when they finally moved to googleplex.

that people who work inside googleplex, i.e. the staff, refer themselves as googlers.

that there's a big red rubber ball in the middle of their office.

that one of their lunch menus includes Sweet Potato Jalapeno Bisque with corn, Warm Southern Chicken Salad tossed in a spicy buttermilk dressing with toasted pecans, corn, green onions and tomatoes, Grilled Petite New York Sirloins seasoned with Creole spices served with a Crescent City steak sauce and crispy organic onion rings, Roasted Organic Red Potatoes seasoned with New Mexico Chile powder, and Baileys Irish Cream Cheesecake.

that they're doing no evil.

that when you typed in 'search engine' in google, you won't see their own company as the first result. in fact, not even the first five results. errr... hello?

that they too, have a blog! a prank one, that is.

that for further facts you can go check them here.

related websites:

try googlism. not until now had i know that emil is deaf, is now a superstar in hong kong, is very jealous of deniro's celebrity status and is convinced that anyone in america can do. oh, and i'm telling ernie my plan, too.

try a9.com, the new search engine branded by amazon.com, powered by google. why is it cool? here's why.

try gmail, the google mail, for if you are a blogger user, they're giving you the still-in-preview-mode 1 Gb email account a try. i've got mine.

where do i get all this information? only one answer for that: google.